Welcome to Korea, Leah
by smurfette81013
Summary: In episode 11 of season 2, Hawkeye and Margaret are desperate for help. What if Radar had been able to find a surgeon fresh out of Basic Training? What if this surgeon was a fiery red head who wasn't afraid to deal with Hawkeye and Trapper's craziness? This is the tale of Captain Leah Watson.
1. Welcome to Korea, Leah

**2:11 – Welcome to Korea, Leah**

"Radar, we need help! You saw what the OR was like earlier." Hawkeye exclaimed.

"I'm doing the best I can, Hawk! I've tried every single M.A.S.H unit, Tokyo, Seoul and I've asked the French, English, and Canadians about loaning us one of their people, but nobody's got any doctors!" Radar said defensively.

"There can't be this big of a shortage, Radar. This is a wartime, people are being drafted over every day! Check the unassigned kids that just finished basic training if you have to! Just get help!" The surgeon demanded, heading out of the office and running off to Post-Op.

Twenty minutes later in the mess tent, Radar caught up with Hawkeye, who was not even trying to mask his disgust at the taste of the food.

"I found someone," Radar began before the exhausted Doctor broke in.

"That's great! When do they get here, where are they from and how much experience have they got?

"Captain Watson is a general surgeon, went to the University of Toronto and got drafted two months ago. She just finished basic training and has orders to head here anyways, I just had it pushed up a week."

"That's perfect, Radar. You little miracle worker, you." Hawkeye said, kissing the Corporal's forehead. He had to go tell Hot Lips that they had backup on the way.

* * *

"Where you headed to, Doll-face?" The Jeep driver asked his newest 'customer'.

"The 4077th M.A.S.H, please." The woman said. She was wearing Class A's and had her long red hair perfectly curled.

"You sure that's where you want to go, Doll? There's an outfit here in Seoul that'd be happy to take a pretty little thing like you." The driver said with a wink. The woman glared at the man, her bright green eyes blazing.

"Do I look like a little thing to you, Sergeant?" She asked the man, looking at the man's uniform. She was right in that she wasn't a little thing. She was 5'9" tall, had long muscular legs that rubbed together when she walked, a round bum that jiggled when she moved, wide hips, large breasts and muscular arms that had beat many grown men in fights. Her waist was thinner than expected, giving her an hourglass shape, but it was her stomach wasn't flat and toned by any means.

The Sergeant thought over his answer, knowing that if he lied and said yes that the woman (a Captain) would get mad, but if he said she was large, she'd get mad for calling her fat.

"Never mind Captain, I'm sure you'll do just fine at that Nuthouse." The driver said, signing off on her papers. He had no idea what he had just said though.

"Just drive please Sergeant." She said with a sigh.

Two hours after her arrival in Seoul, she arrived at the 4077th M.A.S.H. She was surprised at how quiet everything was, considering the camp was only three miles from the Front.

"Where is everybody?" The Captain asked the driver.

"There's a flu epidemic going around, Doll. Most of the camp's got it. Only one doctor, a handful of nurses, the court clerk and the Chaplain are still up on their feet. That's why they need you here so bad." The driver explained, having heard of the problems the 4077th was having.

"Take me to the Post-Op then. If I'm going to find anybody, that's where they'll be." She said, holding onto her hat as the Jeep took off once again.

It only took a few seconds to get to Post-Op, but that was enough time for Father Mulcahy to hear the Jeep approaching. The man had heard Hawkeye and Margaret discussing the arrival of the new doctor, but he hadn't heard anything other than that she would be coming to help. He had been surprised when he heard that the new surgeon would be a woman but was happy that the woman had been able to break away from stereotypes.

"Hello dear, welcome to the 4077th." The chaplain greeted.

"Thank you, Sir." She said, putting her hand out to shake. The chaplain took it in a firm grip and introduced himself.

"I'm the camp's chaplain, Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy."

"I'm Captain Linnea Elizabeth Watson." The woman introduced.

"A beautiful name, child." The chaplain said, releasing her hand. He went around to the Jeep and grabbed her bags. She had more than usual, as she had been able to bribe a few superiors into letting her bring more personal belongings. Apparently homemade apple pie was like money in Korea.

"Follow me please my child, I'll introduce you to some of the doctors." Father Mulcahy said, leading her into the Post-Op Ward. All around her were various patients: doctors, enlisted men officers, even wounded. What looked like most of the camp was crammed into the small recovery ward. A few different conversations were going on around the Captain. Two men were conversing, one getting dressed and one looking at the other in concern.

"What are you doing?" The black-haired surgeon asked. He looked very tired and was clearly curious about the others' actions.

"Unless I got amnesia, this is how you get dressed, right?" The other man responded. He had curly blond hair and his skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat. Captain Watson was sure that this man was one of the sick doctors.

"You think you're well enough to get back in the game?" The black-haired doctor asked.

"I think I'm getting better. There's two of you there, there used to be three." The sick Doctor said to his colleague, who had sat down at the foot of his cot.

"Very good, you could do double hernias." The healthy Doctor responded, trying to diffuse some tension. He placed his hand on the other's forehead, closing his eyes in concentration.

"Is your fever gone yet?" The man asked.

"Mother used to kiss my forehead to find out." The curly haired man said with a slight smirk.

"We tried to reach her, but she doesn't make house calls." The doctor said in good humour. The other nodded before putting on a pair of socks.

"Got any replacements?" The sick man asked. Captain Watson made a mental note to get their names.

"We've been offered a veterinarian and a gynaecologist." The man said sadly, the earlier humour gone from his voice and body language.

"Great," the other said sarcastically.

"It'll be very helpful if we get a horse that's going through menopause. Radar tracked down a new doctor though. General surgeon that just finished Basic. Captain Watson. The kid should be here soon."

"Well," the blond said as he flexed his biceps, "help is here."

"Doctor Pierce, could you look at bed five?" A nurse cut in before the black-haired man could respond. The other continued to get dressed while Doctor Pierce joked with the nurse.

At the same time, a few beds over, a man who was clearly far worse off than the blond Doctor tried to get up, only to be pushed back down gently by a stern looking blonde nurse.

"McIntyre's getting up," The beady-eyed man complained as the nurse pushed him back down.

"You're sicker than he is, everybody knows that." She said, not realizing how mean she was being as she reached over to get a cold washcloth.

"My nose feels like it weighs five pounds," The man complained in a small voice before flowing back down onto his cot.

"Frank, I'm in command now," She said after placing the washcloth on Frank's forehead. "I can get a lot of things changed, the way we want them."

"That's terrific Louise." Frank said.

The nurse's face dropped. "Louise?" She questioned, her voice dangerous. "That's your wife." She snapped. Captain Watson smirked at that. So, this man Frank was cheating on his wife Louise with this bossy nurse.

"Where?" He questioned, his voice raising into a higher pitch and looking around frantically.

"We're in Korea," the nurse said, holding his face still.

"Oh good, she'll never find us." He said, grinning with his mouth closed, holding his blankets tightly to his chest.

"Just lie still," She said as he did a little happy dance, although it looked more like a wiggle.

"I'm alright. We're gonna have to get out of here." Frank said, continuing to fidget.

"Why?" The nurse asked softly.

"Too many people in this motel." He said, looking around nervously.

Linnea Watson's attention was called out of the conversation when she saw the curly haired man from before fall to the ground as he tried to get up. She and Father Mulcahy rushed over to his side.

"What's up?" Doctor Pierce asked.

"It isn't Trapper." Father Mulcahy said, glancing at the blond man, who Linnea know knew to be Trapper.

"I'm with you Hawk, I can make it." Trapper insisted, trying to get up.

"Right, and all we have to do is move the floor into the operating room." Pierce said with a sad smile. Father Mulcahy and Linnea helped Trapper to his feet before the man snapped that he could stand. The surgeon and chaplain let go of the man, only for him to immediately fall onto his cot.

"Sure, if we screw you to the flagpole." Linnea commented.

"Trap, if you wanna help me, don't help me. The only way you're gonna get better is if you let yourself be sick." Pierce said, taking the dark green over shirt from his friend.

"I think I can manage that." Trapper said, falling sideways into his pillow.

"Hawkeye, another chopper on the way. Loaded with casualties. Fifteen minutes at the most." A small young man said through the back door of the Post-Op ward. Hawkeye threw Trapper's shirt to the ground, and then noticed the woman in Class A's.

"Please tell me you're Captain Watson." The man said desperately.

"In the flesh, Sir." Linnea said, putting out her hand.

"None of that Sir stuff, I'm a Captain too. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, but everyone calls me Hawkeye." The man insisted.

"Captain Linnea Elizabeth Watson, but everyone calls me Leah." The other surgeon introduced.

"Alright Father, get your tap shoes." Hawkeye said to the chaplain before leading me to the Operating Room.

"Margaret, let's go. Come on." Hawkeye said to the blonde nurse watching over Frank.

"I have to go now Frank, but I'll be back." She said, taking the washcloth off of the man's forehead.

"Goodbye Nancy," the man mumbled. Leah giggled at that, pointing it out to Hawkeye, who watched with interest.

"Nancy?" Margaret questioned.

"The best receptionist I ever had." He said, fidgeting again. Margaret's mouth dropped open in shock at Frank's words.

"Frank!" She said, scandalized. The man in question pulled his blanket up to his chest, as though covering himself up.

"Honestly Louise, we had to work late." Frank said, Hawkeye laughed silently at this, and Leah had a huge grin on her face. Margaret's scandalized face grew worse and she walked off in a huff. Minutes later, Leah was with Father Mulcahy, prepping for OR, while Hawkeye spoke to Radar in the clerical office.

"Double requisition everything," Hawkeye said to Radar, reading the clipboard upside down while Radar scribbled, one glove in his mouth.

"We need whole blood. Tap the kitchen staff and the Korean personnel. I want a pint from everybody." Hawkeye continued.

"I gave this morning; can I give again?" Radar asked, taking the glove out of his mouth.

"It's too soon. Anyway, your blood is nearsighted." Hawkeye said, unable to resist.

"Is that possible?" The naïve clerk asked.

"Keep checking for doctors, two isn't enough." Hawkeye said, ignoring Radar's question.

"Nobody'll listen," Radar said, half talking about Hawkeye, not that the man noticed.

"Tell them you're acting under the direct orders of General Clayton." Hawkeye said the moment Margaret walked through the door.

"Just one moment, Captain!" She demanded.

"Radar, go." Hawkeye said, gesturing for the short young man to leave.

"Stay!" Margaret disagreed instantly.

"I said go!"

"And I said stay!" Poor Radar looked confused about who to listen to.

"She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform." The clerk said apologetically.

"She's got more things in her uniform but go." Hawkeye demanded.

"Sorry Sir." Radar said to Margaret before scurrying off do as Hawkeye ordered.

"I thought we understood that I am administration." She said, clearly pissed off at the surgeon.

Hawkeye began to open the door but turned back to the angered nurse.

"Let me tell you something, administration. You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?" Hawkeye asked, being serious for a change.

"Yes?"

"Well, it worked, I've got it." Hawkeye said, trying to make the situation lighter.

"Are you sure?" Margaret said, rushing forwards to check his pulse.

"I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay?" He said, letting Margaret check his vitals.

"First I'm hot, then I'm cold. And my knees are in business for themselves." The man said, walking away from the concerned nurse to go sit down.

"My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all-night latrine that takes servicemen." The Doctor continued as the nurse prepared a thermometer.

"Now have I got the flu or am I just in love?" He asked as she stuck the thermometer in his mouth.

"Do you think you can operate?" She asked, feeling his forehead once again.

"I've got to. This is Leah's first time doing meatball surgery, and what am I gonna tell the casualties, to stop bleeding until I get better?"

"I wanna see if you've got a fever." Margaret said as Hawkeye took the thermometer out of his mouth.

"Believe me, I've got fever to burn." He said as he got up.

"I'm worried about you, Doctor." She said. Hawkeye paused at the door and turned to speak to her.

"You really are, aren't you?" He said, looking at her face. "You know all those rotten things I've said to you, all those nasty little tricks I've played in you?"

"Yes." She said, her eye watering slightly.

"I'd like to get well and do them all over again." He said, his serious face turning into an impish, close-mouthed grin that made even Margaret smile slightly.

* * *

Ten minutes later in the OR, Hawkeye asked for a pair of pickups. There were nurses lined up with patients, and only two doctors. Margaret handed him the requested instrument.

"How do you feel?" She asked as Hawkeye dug around in the soldier's body, looking for shrapnel and repairing damage.

"I have this terrific thirst for embalming fluid."

"Are you gonna make it?" She asked in concern, looking worriedly at Hawkeye's mask-covered face.

"That's up to you, Margaret." He said, concentrating on his work.

"You're incredible," she said, watching as he worked even while sick. "As sick as you are, digging into someone's gut, and you still can proposition a nurse."

"I've endowed a dirty old man to make a pass at you two years after I'm dead. It's in my will." He joked, continuing his work without so much as an upwards glance.

"Okay, you close the skin." Hawkeye said, walking away from the patient he had finished with and taking off his surgical gloves.

"Right," Hot Lips agreed, getting to work.

"Sorry, how's it going folks?" Hawkeye asked a group of nurses that were performing the surgery themselves.

"Bleeding's under control. You look awful Doctor." One of them responded.

"I feel awful. It's a set." Hawkeye responded as another nurse helped him into a new pair of gloves. He glanced at the patient before directing the nurses.

"Saline solution for irrigation. Get a retractor first. Father, pull that back, will you?" The nurses and chaplain did the requested jobs.

"Get the saline." He turned back to Father Mulcahy. "Pull it back more. I can't see in there. Can you get it back more? Get some suction." Hawkeye directed as Radar came in with a mask, trying to get the man's attention.

"Get it back a little bit more," Hawkeye directed the priest, not noticing the clerk.

"It's okay, Hawk. I got 28 pints of blood." Radar said, carefully holding the mask over his mouth.

"You're a good man, Tiny Tim." Leah said from where she was working on the other side of the room. Hawkeye smiled at the comment, not that it was very visible from under the mask.

"Scrub up." Hawkeye demanded of the clerk.

"Hmm?" Radar asked in confusion.

"We need help. Kelley, get him ready." Hawkeye said, before requesting a clamp.

"Wait a minute, I can't operate." Radar pointed out, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"You're not gonna operate, you're gonna help." Leah said, not looking up from her patient.

"How's my fainting gonna help?" Radar asked.

"Scrub up!" Hawkeye demanded. Nurse Kelley pulled Radar away before he could argue.

"Alright, we're just about finished Father, then you can go help Leah." Hawkeye said in a softer tone.

"Is he all right?" The priest asked, gesturing to the patient.

"He's better than I am." The Doctor responded before turning to a nurse. "Can you close, or do you want me to get started?"

"I can do it." The nurse responded.

"Hawkeye, was I alright?" Father Mulcahy asked softly.

"All right? I'm putting you in for the Distinguished Cross cross. Now go help Leah, she looks like she could use a hand." He said, gesturing to the green-eyed Doctor who was busy digging shrapnel out of a soldier's leg. As he said that, Nurse Kelley walked in, guiding a newly scrubbed Radar.

"You're making a terrible mistake," Radar warned once again.

"If we did nothing else, we got you to wash your hands." Hawkeye said, moving to the patient Margaret was working on.

"Yes, Sir." Radar said defeatedly.

"I finished debriding the wound." Margaret said, looking closely at her work.

"You know, you're better at that than Frank. But then so is the patient." Hawkeye turned to Radar.

"Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan – nurse, friend and all-around good egg."

Margaret watched nervously as Hawkeye walked off to a new patient.

"He's very sick," she murmured.

* * *

It was about half an hour later that they ran out of casualties. By then Hawkeye was barely able to stand. Leah took off her surgical clothes and helped Father Mulcahy drag the man to Post-Op, where a nurse promptly forced him into a bed and gave him antibiotics.

"So, you're out new surgeon, Linnea Watson." Margaret said to the red-headed woman.

"I am indeed, although don't tell the Army, they might try to send me someplace ridiculous, like Korea." She said sarcastically. Margaret clearly wasn't impressed.

"I'm Major Margaret Houlihan, commanding officer of this outfit." The stuck-up woman said proudly.

"Good to know that Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake changed his name and gender."

"Don't you get smart with me Captain, I am a superior officer."

"Would you rather I get dumb with you Major?" Leah asked, knowing which buttons to push. Margaret was a lot like her Aunt Esther, so the young surgeon knew exactly what buttons to push.

Margaret practically growled as she told Leah to grab her bags and follow her.

"Is this a normal activity Major? Playing follow the leader? If it is, we need more than just two people." Leah said with a smirk.

"Great, we've got another imbecile." Margaret grumbled, leading Leah to the nurses' quarters.

"Major Houlihan, I hope you realize that I didn't go through eight years of university to become a nurse."

"And I hope you realize that I didn't go through four years of university and spend my entire life in the Army so that I could be spoken down to by a Captain." Margaret snapped.

"Major, we don't have room for another nurse." One of the nurses from before complained as she saw Leah with her bags.

"Well where else am I supposed to put her, Lieutenant?" Margaret said with a sneer.

"If she's a surgeon, put her in the Swamp." Another nurse suggested.

"And leave her at the mercy of Pierce and McIntyre?" Margaret screeched.

"Major Houlihan, I have a younger brother, two older god-brothers and several cousins. I know how to deal with men."

"I don't know if Pierce and McIntyre count as men but alright, it's your death wish." Margaret said, leading the young surgeon to the Swamp. The Major opened the door to the Swamp and lead its newest resident inside.

"Here's your cot," Margaret said, pointing to one of the cots in the back corner of the tent. Leah put her stuff down on the cot and went to the still in between two other cots. She picked up the large vase of alcohol and sniffed it experimentally. It was very strong.

"A homemade gin still. Very clever." She said, pouring herself a little sample. She took a small sip, nearly wincing at the strength of the stuff.

"How can you possible drink that swill?"

"Years of practice, Major dear."

 **I know I probably shouldn't be writing a new story after neglecting my other one, but I've been binge watching MASH for the last couple days, and this plot bunny found my brain and refused to leave. Eventually, Leah will become a more prominent character, but I want to build her relationships with people first.**

Updated 03/16/2018


	2. The Incubator

**2:12 – The Incubator**

A week after Leah's arrival, the Doctors threw her an official Welcoming Party. There had been drinking, flirting, partial nudity and general stupidity all night long. Streamers and toilet paper were hung all around the Swamp, surgical gloves had been blown up like balloons and drawn on with eyeliner, there were beer cans everywhere, including on the record player. There were handmade necklaces hanging from the light fixtures and the stove, as well as an odd substance that was probably beer dripping from the tent supports into an old glass.

Hawkeye, Trapper and Leah were still out cold. Hawkeye and Trapper had had a lot to drink that night and were snoring loudly from their cots. Leah was out cold as well, but she hadn't had quite as much to drink as her tent mates had, and she had a higher alcohol tolerance than they did, so she wasn't in nearly as bad a shape.

It was about 10 in the morning when Hawkeye finally began to wake. He opened one eye and tilted his head up, only to immediately shut his eye and groan. He lifted his head back up and looked at the cot next to his.

"Trapper?" He mumbled, his words slurring together slightly. The Doctor in question opened his eyes with a dazed look on his face.

"Trapper?" Hawkeye asked again, a little bit louder this time.

Trapper opened and closed his mouth a few times, wincing at the taste of his breath and the way his tongue felt in his mouth.

"I'm not gonna talk unless you stop screaming." The man said softly.

"I'm sorry," Hawkeye said, moving to sit up on his cot. "I'll be better after I shave my tongue." Both men groaned as they tried to sit up, moving slowly, as they were in pain and stiff from head to toe.

"Does your head hurt?" Trapper asked, putting a hand to his temple and grabbing the stovepipe for support.

"From the ankles up." Hawkeye responded, nearly sitting up in his cot. "Everything above that I leave to science."

"I think one of us should try breathing on a mirror." Hawkeye suggested, having finally pulled himself into a sitting position, his black hair falling into his eyes. Trapper had a pair of pantyhose draped over one shoulder, not that he noticed.

"Okay but do it quietly." Trapper said, looking very nauseated. He glanced over to where Leah was still sleeping, but his hand slipped off the stovepipe and sent several metal pots crashing to the floor, waking Leah with a start.

"I need a doctor," She groaned, rubbing her head and squinting at the amount of light in the tent.

"Hawkeye's a doctor." Trapper said in a daze, holding up someone's hat in confusion.

"Then Hawkeye's the last thing I need." She said with a groan, sitting up in her cot.

"Well, at least everybody cleaned up before they left." Hawkeye said.

"Do you suppose we died?" Trapper asked. "And we've gone into the army?"

"Possible," Hawkeye muttered.

"It explains why everything's the same ugly shade of green." Leah said, looking at her green tank top in distaste, although that could have also been at the taste of her mouth.

Hawkeye reached down beside him and grabbed the mattress, which had started moving for some strange reason. He pulled it up and uncovered a man sleeping soundly with his head under Hawkeye's makeshift night stand, clutching a guitar.

"Who's that?" Hawkeye asked, pointing to the man. "I don't know him, do I?"

"That's Doctor Klein. Eye, ear, nose and guitar." Trapper said, still looking dazed.

"Is he alive?" Leah asked, brushing her messy red curls out of her eyes and gathering them in a loose bun on top of her head.

"Yes, but his guts are in terrible shape." Hawkeye said.

"Shall we wake him?" Trapper asked.

"No, look what waking up did for us." Leah said, rubbing her eyes and grimacing at the sight of her cot, covered in random items from the party.

Radar chose that exact, unfortunate moment to walk into the tent, his high, perky voice sending a wave of pain into the three surgeon's brains.

"Morning Sirs, and ma'am." The clerk said. The other three groaned at the sound.

"What a rotten thing to say." Trapper said, using the stovepipe to try and stand up.

"Especially first thing in the morning." Hawkeye couldn't help but add.

"Wow," Radar breathed, taking in the state of the tent.

"There were no survivors." Hawkeye told the young clerk.

"Is that coffee?" Trapper asked. Radar smiled and held out the tray with three mugs of the steaming brown sludge.

"Oh yeah, I figured you'd need some." The young man said.

"Gimme, gimme." Leah said, reaching out for the drink. Trapper was quick to grab a cup as well.

"I'll take mine here," Hawkeye said, pointing at his wrist, where the IV would go.

"Is that Doctor Klein?" Radar asked, looking at the unconscious guitar player.

"It was." Trapper said, leaning against a support pole and taking a sip of his coffee.

"We're gonna wake him so he can do an autopsy on himself later." Hawkeye added, taking his mug off sludge.

"Oh, here are your cases for today." Radar said, handing Hawkeye a file. "And Colonel Blake wants you on lab duty today Leah." The woman gave Radar a thumbs-up in acknowledgement before taking another swig of coffee.

"Radar, I have the impression that we woke you at about 3:30 this morning." Hawkeye said, looking at the clerk.

"No. It was ten to four." The clerk responded, taking some leftover food from it's place on Frank's bed.

"Did we say why?" Trapper asked, fishing for details.

"Uh, you said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin." Radar said awkwardly.

"Did we?" Leah asked in genuine interest.

"No, I was too sleepy." Leah laughed loudly at that while Radar made a quick escape from the tent. Trapper and Hawkeye just looked at each other before taking a sip of coffee.

The door hadn't even closed from Radar's exit before Frank entered, his lab coat still on over his Army issued green undershirt. He quickly shed the white garment while Trapper made faces at the taste of the coffee he'd just swallowed.

"Frank?" Hawkeye asked in confusion at Frank's silence. The man just continued to put his coat on a hanger.

"Hmm?" He grunted in recognition of the question.

"No comment about all this?" Hawkeye asked, gesturing around the tent. "About us?"

Frank just laughed in response. It was a very feminine sounding laugh. Even more so than Leah's laugh.

"Not today, Doctors. I'm not playing." The man said before bending over and clearing off his cot, loudly banging everything to the floor between his cot and Leah's. This made the three hungover doctors cringe. The beady-eyed man just sat down on his cot and began undoing his boot laces.

"You're not going to debauch all night, and then expect me to cleanse you with a tongue lashing." Frank said as he continued to remove his boot.

"Trust me Frank, nobody wants a lashing from your tongue. It would just make them dirtier." Leah said, interrupting the man.

"I'm not you mother." Frank said, as though Leah hadn't spoken. She rolled her eyes as Trapper walked the few steps from this cot to Frank's and sat down next to the man, still not noticing the pantyhose on his shoulder.

"Aw please, Frank" The hungover blond pleaded.

"Come on mom, please?" Hawkeye added.

"No." Frank said, drawing out the word and still trying to get his boots off.

"You have to." Hawkeye said. "How are we gonna know what a great time we had unless you tell us how rotten we are?"

"It's senseless," Frank began, finally getting his boot off.

"You're senseless if you can't smell the nasty stench coming off of that boot, Frank." Leah added.

"You continue to waste your off-hours in riotous living to the detriment of yourselves as doctors and people." Frank said, pulling off his other boot.

"You know he's right?" Trapper asked Hawkeye. Hawkeye didn't seem to notice as he repeated Trapper's question back at him.

"I don't have to take that from you." Frank said.

"We're on a treadmill. Bandages and booze." Hawkeye said

"And broads." Trapper added.

Frank just tsk'ed at them. "What happened to those two bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young surgeons I once knew. Even a little girl can hold her booze better than you two, and she's more bushy-tailed than you two ever were." Frank said.

"I'm 29! Why does everyone keep calling me a kid? Radar's a kid." Leah asked, only to be ignored. She glared at the three other doctors.

"Was that us?" Trapper asked, thinking back to Frank's comment.

"We're gonna get our tails bushed again." Hawkeye said, pointing at Frank with a determined gleam in his hungover eyes.

"Come on, let's make our rounds." Hawkeye said, moving to get up.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Hawkeye and Trapper were busy in Post-Op while Leah was in the lab. Trapper had on a pair of aviators and was directing a young blonde nurse.

"Twelve hours of IV then put a ticket on him for Tokyo." He said, looking at the young woman over his glasses.

"Yes Doctor." She said flirtatiously before taking the patient's clipboard and walking away with a sway in her hips. Trapper watched, moving his sunglasses out of the way so he could see her do it clearly before turning to Hawkeye with a shrug.

"Yesterday, remember?" Hawkeye said, looking at his patient's clipboard. Trapper went over to the patient in Hawk's care and read the chart.

"Multiple chest." Hawkeye elaborated.

"Wish you were talking about a nurse, or Leah." Trapper said, remembering the way Leah's breasts had strained against the material of her shirt that morning.

"Come on bushy tail, we got fever." Hawkeye said, being serious and directing Trapper's attention to the chart.

"Nurse, give me an ice pack over here." Hawkeye said, before sitting on the edge of the patient's cot and greeting the kid.

"Hiya, Rizzo. How are you doing?" He asked the kid. The soldier's eyelids just fluttered, and the light reflected off of his sweat. There was no verbal answer from the kid.

"My partner and I operated on you." Hawkeye said, ignoring the lack of response. "Let's stop this fever stuff." Hawkeye said, concerned about the patient.

"You're gonna make us look like bums." Trapper interjected from where he was leaning on the bed rail.

"We don't need any help in that department." Hawkeye joked, watching as the kid fell asleep. Hawkeye stood up from the bed, and Trapper put the kid's chart back where it belonged.

The two began walking back towards the lab, discussing the patient on the way.

"He had a full course of penicillin. He's not responding." Trapper told his fellow surgeon.

"Let's take some blood cultures and see what kind of germ factory this kid is." Hawkeye suggested, glancing back at his patient.

"Nurse?" Hawkeye questioned, seeing one approaching.

"Here's the ice pack Doctor, where do you want it?" She questioned. Hawkeye didn't answer. He just took the ice pack and immediately placed it on his forehead. The nurse just walked off in exasperation.

Trapper looked over at the flirty nurse from earlier and began giving orders.

"Take some blood cultures of Rizzo again." He said. Twenty minutes later, he and Hawkeye had the sample and were in the lab with Leah.

"Rizzo, I did a white count on him. What's the problem?" Leah asked, holding up the test tube of blood.

"We don't know. Complications, fever." Trapper suggested, looking at Leah's lab setup.

"Okay, I'll send this off to the Tokyo lab. We'll know what he has in 72 hours, then you can treat him." Leah said, filling out the necessary paperwork.

"72 hours?" Hawkeye asked in disbelief. "The kid's so hot now you can fry an egg on his head."

"Why don't we have an incubator here, so we can do our own tests?" Trapper asked. Leah gave him a look that clearly stated that she didn't know.

"Because it would save time and effort and it would make sense." Leah responded, checking the vial over.

"Can't have any of that in the army." Hawkeye muttered.

"Alright, ship it right away, next chopper." Hawkeye said, pointing one of his long fingers at Leah's paperwork. "Mark it soonest." Hawkeye said, motioning for Trapper to follow him as he left the lab. Leah sighed as she finished filing the paperwork and handed it off to one of the lab technicians before following Hawkeye and Trapper to Colonel Blake's office.

* * *

There, the small group found Radar and Colonel Blake assembling a barbecue. Henry was telling Radar about how he prepared his steak when they entered.

"Just show 'em the fire. I like my steaks rare." Colonel Blake said in a ridiculous tone.

"Yes, Sir." Radar agreed, going back to work on the barbecue.

"They gotta scream when you cut into 'em. I fix 'em my own way, you know. Sprinkle sugar and pour brandy on 'em."

"Uh huh." Radar said, looking up from the barbecue.

"Got a minute Henry?" Trapper asked, walking into the office.

"Look at this, guys. Our very own barbecue." Henry said happily. "I'll show you amateurs how to put on a party." The Colonel said cockily.

"We're through with parties for a while, Henry." Trapper said, glancing sideways at Leah and Hawkeye.

"Well you'll never top last night." Henry said as he waved the barbecue manual at the three hungover doctors. "That was a real wingding." He continued with a chuckle.

"I'd have bet anything you couldn't get four people inside a sleeping bag." The man said pensively.

"Henry, we're going back into medicine. You wanna join us?" Leah asked as Hawkeye sat down next to the Colonel.

"Come again?" Henry asked in confusion.

"Our lab needs an incubator." Trapper said as he walked across the room to the Colonel's other side.

"Yeah, we could speed up diagnoses and treatment by days." Hawkeye said.

"Well hell, we just got the barbecue." Colonel Blake said, gesturing towards the aforementioned item. "I can't pester them for an incubator."

"Tell them that we decided to open up a hospital instead of a restaurant." Leah suggested, getting a dirty look from her Commanding Officer.

"Radar, how do we go about requisitioning an incubator?" Trapper asked.

"Now just hold it!" Henry said, suddenly mad. "I'm sick and tired of you guys going over my head and down to Radar." He exclaimed, looking at the three staff members.

"Oh, I don't mind sir." Radar said nervously, sensing the tension.

"Well I do!" Henry said, standing up and walking over to Radar. "Now look, this little fella's got plenty of work to do without you guys heaping more responsibility on him." He reprimanded. Then he turned to his company clerk, "Now go get those steaks Radar."

"Yes Sir." Radar said before scurrying off to talk to the kitchen staff.

"Henry, we got a patient with an infection we can't identify." Hawkeye said.

"All because we don't have an incubator." Trapper added.

"Alright, that's a point. Make a note of it, put it in my in-basket and I'll get right on it." Henry said, hoping that if he told the surgeons what they wanted to hear that they would go away and leave him alone with his new barbecue.

"Henry, leaving an idea with you is like abandoning a baby in a garbage can." Hawkeye argued.

"Now that's unfair! I do plenty around here every day. I just don't make a lot of noise about it." Henry argued back.

"Yeah, your girlfriend says you're one of those quiet sleepers." Leah added before Harry could continue. Hawkeye and Trapper smiled at their red-headed colleague.

"What about the incubator?" Hawkeye asked again.

"We need it." Trapper pointed out.

"Those things cost five or six hundred dollars." Henry said exasperatedly.

"Henry, the war's been running for three months. Surely the government must be showing a profit by now." Hawkeye said.

"Alright, alright. Let's get one." Henry finally agreed. Trapper clapped his hands and Hawkeye smirked.

"Now that's the Henry we all sing about around the campfire." Trapper declared.

"Radar!" Trapper, Henry and Leah yelled in unison.

* * *

The next morning, Radar was snooping through the window of Colonel Blake's office.

"Colonel Blake?" He asked, walking in with a file in hand.

"Yo." The man greeted. He was sitting at his desk with his feet up, reading a newspaper with a cigar in his mouth.

"Captain Sloan from Quartermaster Corps is here to see you Sir." Radar said before the slim man in Class A's walked in. He had blond hair and large coke-bottle glasses.

"Colonel." The man greeted with a salute.

"Captain." Henry saluted back with his newspaper. "Radar, would you-" He began, only to be interrupted.

"Captains Pierce, McIntyre and Watson are on their way Sir." Radar said. Henry turned away from the clerk and towards the Captain.

"Fine, just so long as they know I want to see them before they get here." Henry said, getting him a strange look from Sloan.

"Yes Sir." Radar said before leaving and closing the door behind him.

"Sit down, sit down." Colonel Blake said to the visiting officer.

"Care for a drink?" The Colonel asked as he took a puff from his cigar.

"Never touch it." Captain Sloan said as he sat down at Henry's desk.

"Ah. Smoke?" Henry asked, pulling an unopened cigar from his shirt pocket.

"No, thank you." Sloan said as he got himself situated. Henry just shrugged before going to his desk and sitting down.

"Well that just leaves sex." Henry said. "Afraid we can't help you there." He leaned foreword on his desk good-naturedly. That didn't impress their visiting guest at all. The atmosphere in the room quickly became very awkward, so Henry tried to diffuse the tension.

"Say, you guys in Quartermaster are doing a bang-up job. I mean, everybody seems to have plenty of guns and bullets and stuff. Wouldn't be much of a war without you." Henry said with a stupid smile on his face.

"We hold our end up." Captain Sloan said, looking bored.

"You do that around here, you get your temperature taken." Henry tried to joke. Needless to say, the other man wasn't impressed.

It was that moment that the rest of the 4077th's competent surgical staff walked through the office door. Hawkeye was wearing his red bathrobe over his army regulated green outfit and Trapper just wore his green over shirt open over his usual uniform. Leah has her hair down in its natural curls once again, and was wearing the same uniform as Trapper, but on her feet were pair of slippers that looked like reindeer.

"Oh, uh Captain Sloan, these are Captain Pierce-" Henry began to introduce, only to be interrupted as the others took over, shaking hands with the visiting Captain.

"These are Captain McIntyre," Hawkeye introduced, gesturing to Trapper.

"And these are Captain Watson." Trapper finished as the visitor shook all of their hands. "How about a snort, Henry?" Trapper suggested, going straight to the liquor cabinet. Leah pulled up a chair next to Sloan's and put her reindeer slipper-covered feet on the Colonel's desk.

"Hey, we took the pledge, remember?" Hawkeye reminded his friend.

"Oh." Trapper said.

"B.T." Hawkeye said seriously.

"B.T.?" Henry questioned.

"Bushy tail." Leah explained from her seat. Colonel Blake smiled at that.

"Surgeons," He said, as though that explained everything while Hawkeye and Trapper followed Leah's example and made themselves comfortable.

"Captain Sloan here is with supply." Henry explained as he and Sloan sat back down.

"More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q.M.H.Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP." The man said, reaching into his bag.

"Maybe I'll have that drink." Hawkeye said to Trapper.

"The business at hand is an incubator." The man said, reading off of his papers. "That is if my Lieutenant understood what your Colonel said you Captains want."

"Right." Hawkeye said, adding his feet to the collection already on Henry's desk.

"And we need one as soon as possible." Trapper said, folding his hands together.

"Well, let's see what the good book says." Sloan said, reaching into his bag once again.

"The good book?" Hawkeye questioned.

"The Manual of Supply and Requisition." The man clarified.

"MANSUPREQ." Leah said to her fellow surgeons, earning her a few smirks. Sloan ignored them as he looked through his manual.

"Um, inhalator, indicator, inoculation, infusilator-" the man read aloud. Hawkeye and Trapper looked at each other. "Here it is: 437-stroke-R2 incubator."

"That she blows!" Colonel Blake interjected, getting a look of warning from Leah.

"Device for developing bacterial cultures at suitable temperatures." Sloan read from the book. He nodded to himself. "Uh huh. I see. That certainly makes sense." He said before closing his book, leaning back and shuffling some papers. Hawkeye and Trapper glanced at each other again, before looking over to Leah, who was reading the papers over Sloan's shoulder.

"You can't have one." The man decided. Everyone's faces dropped at the news.

"Beg your pardon." Leah asked, leaning towards the man and taking her feet off the desk.

"I checked your BEL: basic equipment list. This unit has everything it's supposed to have." Sloan explained. "You're not entitled to an incubator. That would be a-" Sloan paused and stuttered here a little, seeing the deadly green gaze Leah had locked on him. "A luxury."

"Luxury?" Trapper asked.

"We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven." Hawkeye said, looking at the man as if he'd grown another head.

"Oh, those I can let you have." Sloan said seriously.

"No kidding!" Henry said, taking his cigar out of his mouth. "Those'd be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?"

"Oh, just use the standard S-1798 and write in 'pizza' where it as 'machine gun'." Sloan explained to the Colonel.

Hawkeye and Trapper looked at each other in disbelief.

"Captain are you saying no?" Hawkeye asked, knowing the answer already.

"It's my job to say no." Sloan explained.

"You do it very well." Trapper commented.

"I imagine you'll open a no stand after the war." Hawkeye added.

"You ever been flat on your back in a hospital and your doctors didn't know what to do for you?" Leah asked the man, leaning towards him, not noticing that her breasts had caught all four men's eyes.

Sloan just knocked on wood and declared "I've never had a sick day in my life."

"Was that your own idea or an order?" Hawkeye asked with a little too much sass.

"Can the snootiness Pierce. Man's only trying to do his job." Henry said, sending a warning glance at the black-haired surgeon.

"Thank you, Colonel."

"Sorry Captain."

"Thank you, Colonel. Sorry Captain. Sorry patient, you have a temperature of a 109-stroke-10." Hawkeye began, getting up and walking over to the skeleton hanging next to the liquor cabinet and pretending to take its' temperature. "You can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first." Hawkeye said, walking away from the skeleton.

"Let's stay on the ground, shall we Pierce?" Henry said angrily.

"Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to ask you all to take a step up." Hawkeye continued, walking over to Trapper.

"Into limbo." Trapper added.

"No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything-stroke-nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG." Pierce continued. He, Trapper and Leah all got up and moved towards the door.

"Just hold it Pierce!" Handy said, standing up angrily. The three surgeons stopped and turned towards their CO.

"Captain, I'd like to formally apologize for the 4077th." Henry said. Sloan reached down towards his bag, prompting Leah to add on to Hawkeye's earlier rant.

"Have you got any apology forms in there?"

"We're gonna get that incubator. We're gonna go forth and part the red tape." Hawkeye said.

"I'll drink to that." Trapper said as Radar came in with a tray of drinks.

"Will scotch be alright for everybody Sir?" The clerk asked.

"Yeah, fine, Radar. Perfect." Colonel Blake said, taking a puff from his cigar. Radar set the tray down on the desk.

"I ran out of ice, Sir. So, I used bourbon." Radar said as he handed out the drinks.

"Radar, I want you to get out on the pipe and find us an incubator. Don't stop until you locate one." Hawkeye said sternly.

"Is that an order, sir?" Radar asked Henry.

"Sure sounded like one to me." Henry admitted, taking a glass from Radar.

"Well everybody, happy days." Henry said as his staff disappeared out the door. Sloan didn't look impressed in the slightest. "Stroke cheers." Henry said quietly as he downed his drink.

* * *

About two hours later, in surgery, a nurse came in with a message from Radar.

"Colonel Blake?" She asked. He took a look at the clipboard she was holding before telling her to show the message to Pierce. She immediately walked over to where Hawkeye was standing.

"Doctor?" She asked. "It's from Radar."

"Hey, terrific. He's located an incubator. Three of them at the 728th Evac in Pusan. A Major Arnold Morris." Hawkeye read off the clipboard.

"Jackpot," Trapper said, still focused on his surgery.

"Three cherries straight across." Leah added.

"Guess where we're going after surgery Henry." Trapper said.

"Oh, without my permissions?" The man asked distractedly.

"Don't we have it?" Leah asked from her spot next to Frank, who was doing an absolutely wonderful job butchering his patient.

"Course you do." Henry said, not wanting to find out if Leah had the famous red head temper. "You think I'd let you leave without my permission?"

"Ha! An incubator!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"Three!" Trapper said happily.

"May I remind you three that not everybody you'll meet down there is going to be loveable Colonel Henry Blake." The CO cautioned.

"What are you trying to tell us, loveable Colonel Henry Blake?" Hawkeye asked cheekily.

"Take my advice. Don't show up looking like freelance abortionists. Shape up." Henry advised.

"Good thinking Henry. I'll wear my pinks. How about you Mary?" Hawkeye asked Trapper.

* * *

"Aw, look at that." Hawkeye said three hours later. The three had out on their Class A's and taken a jeep to Pusan.

Trapper opened the incubator and looked at the manual cover. "Maintains temperature at a constant 37 degrees centigrade." Trapper read. "The army guarantees it for a year or two wars, whichever comes first." He said as Hawkeye played with a knob on top.

"Just think of the germs we could hatch in that. Makes your mouth water." Leah said, grinning at the sight of the incubator, all shiny and in perfect condition.

"And it's never been used." Hawkeye added, taking a step back to look at the crates. "The other two are still in their crates."

"And they're gonna stay that way." A new voice interjected. "I'm Major Morris."

"Captain Pierce," Hawkeye introduced himself with a salute.

"Captain McIntyre," Trapper said, copying Hawkeye's greeting.

"Captain Watson." Leah added with a salute of her own. This temporarily drew the Major's eyes to her chest, which Klinger had altered to be more attractive on her frame.

"You want an incubator. No dice." Morris said, taking his eyes off of Leah.

"But you've got three." She said.

"That's right, but if I give one away, I'll only have two." The Major said.

"What's wrong with two?" Trapper asked.

"Two is not as good as three." The Major explained as though speaking to kindergarteners.

"But you're not even using them." Hawkeye argued.

"Who says I have to?" Morris asked as he put the manual back and closed the incubator.

"What do you do when you want a culture?" Trapper asked, not understanding the man's logic.

"I send a smear to Tokyo. If I use one of these and it breaks down, then I'll only have two." Morris said, placing his hands on his waist.

"That's a sick attitude." Trapper said to the man.

"Well they're mine! And just look at the three of you. Three of you came, not two. Three is better than two, especially when one of you looks like that." Morris said, gesturing to Leah. Her eyes widened at she moved closer to the two other surgeons, the Major's gaze making her uncomfortable.

Hawkeye and Trapper were barely able to contain their anger at the Major's last comment. Hawkeye managed to recover though. "Why don't you let us borrow one. If you want, you can come over and borrow a cup of germs."

"You guys. Rich, young draftee doctors all dressed up like drum majorettes."

"Rich? Some of my patients pay me in kittens." Hawkeye said, trying to diffuse tension.

"I never made more than $10,000 a year in my life. I was a paediatrician in a women's prison." Morrison said with his hands in his pockets, standing between the three surgeons and the incubators.

"Well, look, Major, we're not here from True Confessions." Trapper said, trying to reason with the man.

"You're not here for no incubator neither. What's mine is mine."

"But in triplicate?" Trapper asked.

"He's a three-lane schizophrenic. And I know schizophrenics. My cousin Kevin is one." Leah broke in.

"Say, you know, I think I know how we can solve this little problem. Why don't you guys just salute and get the hell on out of here? That Doll-faced friend of yours can stay and barter for one of them incubators. What do you think about an hour per incubator?" The man suggested. Trapper and Hawkeye both subconsciously stepped in front of Leah.

"Who's your commanding officer?" Trapper demanded, absolutely furious at the Major's proposal.

"Colonel Lambert is commanding officer of this base." Morrison said carefully.

"Where would we find him?" Hawkeye asked.

"Nowhere on the base, that's for sure." Morrison said, walking away.

"Got his own house?" Hawk asked the retreating form.

"He's got two of them. One blonde and one brunette." Morris said with a smirk.

* * *

Two hours later, the trio found themselves in Colonel Lambert's 'brunette' home. They were sitting around a table on pillows, drinking tea and eating rice crackers while the brunette woman served on them, giving the odd questioning glance to Leah.

"We've gotten nothing but static so far Colonel." Hawkeye explained.

"First from a supply Captain who won't tie his shoe without a direct order." Trapper said.

"And then from a Major Morris, who, in civilian life, is known as Leopoldo and Loeb." Hawkeye said.

"All we want is an incubator." Leah added.

"For the simple purpose of practicing better and more efficient medicine." Hawkeye said words flowing smoothly off of his silver tongue. "Sir, I appeal to your sense of what's right."

"They're full of it." Lambert's female friend warned him none too subtly. The three surgeons exchanged glanced as the Colonel dismissed the brunette. The woman bowed low at the doorway.

"I think we'll have lavender in the bath this afternoon, my dear." The man said.

"Okay, Daddy." The brunette said before leaving.

"Now, gentlemen, an incubator." The Colonel said, ignoring Leah in favour of the other two surgeons.

"Yes sir." Hawkeye confirmed.

"We're you interested in just the one?" The Colonel asked. For a moment, the surgeons believed they were getting somewhere.

"Yes Colonel." Leah said, reminding the man that she was still there.

"If I'm not mistaken, that lists for 627.50, FOB., Inchon. Freight, handling, re-stencilling. An even thousand should handle it." The colonel said, taking a sip of his tea.

"A thousand dollars." Trapper asked in disbelief.

"Cash." The Colonel confirmed.

"Preparing a little doggy bag for Switzerland, colonel?" Hawkeye asked with a fake smile on his face.

"That was a perfect diagnosis, Doctor."

"Wait a minute, you sell incubators?" Trapper asked.

"Oh yes. And Sterilizers, ice cream makers, pontoon bridges, jeeps, and with a weeks notice, the odd B-52. Crew is extra of course. The Colonel said, taking another sip of his drink. "If you're looking for a real bargain, I can let you have a half-million rolls of toilet paper, which I happen to be sitting on."

"Bravo, colonel." Leah said.

"Thank you." He replied genuinely.

"Have you ever thought of opening your own country?" Hawkeye asked.

"You're a thief." Trapper pointed out.

"Of course." The colonel admitted. "Why should the sergeants have all the fun?" He asked with a chuckle.

"More tea?" He asked Leah. "Why don't you try one of these rice cookies?"

"How much?" She asked cheekily.

"I like you." He said, putting the offered cookie back down. "You have a nasty streak of morality, but I like you. I'm gonna let you have that incubator for $627, cost. Plus ten percent for tolerance."

"Colonel, unlike you, we're a non-profit organization." Leah said, folding her hands in her lap.

"Our outfit is a bunch of little khaki church mice." Hawkeye cut in.

"I'd like to help you. Really, I should. But if I start doing my duty, where would I wind up?" The colonel responded. The three surgeons shared a look.

"Well guys, onwards and upwards?" Leah asked the two men.

"That would lead you to General Mitchell. General Maynard M. Mitchell. Honest, true blue as the day is long and about as interesting as a five-pound bag of fertilizer."

* * *

With that, Hawkeye, Leah and Trapper found themselves at a press conference, after changing out of their Class A's and into something classy but civilian looking. Hawkeye and Trapper both wore khaki dress shirts and matching dress trousers, and Leah wore a dark blue dress with a cut that flattered her large breasts, thin waist and wide hips. All three had notepads to blend in with the reporters, and Leah even 'borrowed' Frank's camera.

"Ladies and gentlemen, General Mitchell will now answer your questions." An MP announced.

"Thank you." The General said, standing behind his podium. "Uh, Mr. Bowman." The General selected the first reporter.

"General, today's news handout contains casualty figures and bomb tonnage." A balding man with an odd-looking bow tie began. "Is there anything you can add?"

"No, only I would add that there's nothing to add." The General said. The three surgeons looked at each other, silently plotting.

Another man stood up, this one in a brown blazer. "General, what can you tell us about the rumoured peace talks?"

"I'm glad you brought that up, and I want to caution you all members of the press here that any irresponsible leaks in this area may lead this war to a premature peace."

As the reporter sat down, Hawkeye popped up out of his seat, not waiting to be called on. "General, can you tell us why M.A.S.H units never get any incubators?"

The general looked over to one of his men and then back towards Hawkeye. "Our people have this question under scrutiny at the moment. Now if this scrutinization should yield negative, then I feel that we must maximize our efforts. Next." At this, Hawkeye sat down.

Leah raised her hand and was immediately called on. She stood up and began speaking, being sure to sound as innocent as possible. "Sir, I don't want to minimize your maximize, but why aren't field hospitals properly supplied with incubators? Hospitals which surprisingly attract a great number of wounded people."

"That question has a lot of buckshot in it." The General said warningly. Leah was unfazed though.

"I'm sure the answer will too."

"Let me say this. The United States Army is the best equipped fighting force since the Roman legions crossed the Alps into Spain, each man carrying his mess kit full of gazpacho." The general said. Leah looked down to Hawkeye and Trapper, who both shrugged.

"Let's move on." The General said. Leah didn't sit down though. "I think we've had enough fresh air into this incubator picture. In any case, I wouldn't want to dwell on it for uh-"

"Security reasons?" Hawkeye suggested.

"Exactly." The general agreed. Trapper then put up his hand.

"You have a question?" The general asked.

"Yes I do." Trapper said, standing up next to Leah. "Why don't you answer their questions." At this, Hawkeye also rose to his feet once again.

"Are you three all together?" The general asked.

"In all kinds of weather." Hawkeye sassed.

"Are you reporters?"

"No, we're doctors." Hawkeye said.

"From a M.A.S.H unit." Trapper added.

"The ones that don't have incubators." Leah couldn't help but add. Trapper and Hawkeye smirked at her.

"Identify yourselves." The general demanded.

"Captain Leah Watson; 4077th M.A.S.H." Leah introduced herself, seeing all of the reporters pens flying across their notepads.

"We're from the 4077th too, only I'm Captain Trapper McIntyre."

"And I'm Captain Hawkeye Pierce."

"Who's your commanding officer?" The general demanded.

"We'd rather not say." Trapper said.

"He wants to go through the war anonymously." Hawkeye added.

The general motioned for one of his men to go fetch some MPs. "I wonder if you doctors, and nurse-"

"Actually General, I'm a surgeon as well." Leah interrupted.

That comment just angered the man further. "I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels military wise speaking."

"Sir, we started with a Captain," Leah began.

"Went on to a Major," Trapper continued.

"Then to a Colonel. On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness," Hawkeye added.

"Raging paranoia and an sexual harassment," Leah added, clearly still angry about her earlier encounter.

"And a colonel who is shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time." Trapper finished.

"That makes you the next contestant, General." Leah said, pretending to be a game show host.

"And the subject you've chosen is incubators." Hawkeye finished for her. All three of them put cute smiles on their faces to appear non-threatening.

"And we need one." Trapper said.

"What about this incubator situation?" The reporter behind Leah asked.

"What was the name of that Colonel you mentioned?" The reporter beside Hawkeye asked.

"And the Sexual harassment?" Another reporter asked.

"Now wait just a minute!" The general exclaimed. "This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer questions!"

"That's okay general, we can answer them." Leah said with a smile.

"What exactly is an incubator?"

"It grows germs." Trapper said as the MPs began leading the three doctors out of the room.

"General, are we involved in germ warfare?" Another reporter asked.

"That's a lie!" The general shouted.

"What about the sexual harassment miss, are you alright?" A young reporter asked Leah.

"I'm fine, it was entirely verbal and delivered by Major Morris of the 728th Evac in Pusan." With that, the three doctors were led out of the building and escorted back to their camp.

* * *

"Holy cow!" Henry said angrily looking at the three best surgeons he had ever encountered. He looked down at the list of charges the three were facing. "Insubordination, conduct unbecoming officers, violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!"

"Oh, that must be 'altering salute by placing thumb on nose'." Hawkeye said to his friends.

"Henry, there's something you should know about those charges." Trapper said seriously.

"Yeah, we're guilty." Hawkeye said.

"I'll tell you what else you are, you're under arrest!" Henry said. "General's orders."

"Swell, what do we tell the casualties?" Hawkeye asked. "We only operate on visiting days?"

"You gonna lock us up Sheriff?" Trapper asked.

"If you three didn't outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago."

"What about me Henry? I've only been here a week." Leah interjected.

"Well, maybe not you but definitely those two!"

"Henry, it's not a crime for doctors to try to get decent medical equipment." Hawkeye argued.

"Did you really yell 'give me an incubator or give me death'?"

"Well it doesn't sound like anything now." Hawkeye said sheepishly.

"Yeah, you had to be there." Trapper aid, taking his friend's side.

"Now look, what the General doesn't understand is that I can't take you three out of action. I've got to do something to punish you." Henry said. "So I'll leave it to you. Wh-what's a suitable punishment?"

"Why don't you try spending a lot of time with us, Henry? Maybe that's where we went wrong. You know a how a kid misses their dad." Hawkeye said with a knowing smile.

"A marine company has been trying to take hill 19 again. You better suit up." Henry said, dismissing the surgeons.

"Let's just hope nobody needs a sample sent to Tokyo." Leah muttered.

"Wow, did you really call a one-star general a NINCOMPAC?" Henry asked, taking another look at the charges.

"Only after he called me a liar for saying that I was sexually harassed by Major Morris." Leah said, following her tent-mates out of the office.

"Hey Sirs?" Radar asked.

"Not now Radar," Trapper said.

"No wait, look." Radar said before the tree could leave the room. The three turned around to face Radar. The clerk ripped a blanket off of something. "Ta Da!"

"Hey!" The three said in unison.

"Happy germs, sir." Radar said to Hawkeye as the group inspected the incubator.

"Radar, how?" Leah asked smiling at the clerk. "A little wheeling and dealing, a little horse-trading. A little of this for that."

"And we went all the way up to a general." Trapper said.

"And a little corporal shall lead them." Hawkeye said.

"You guys just gotta learn to start at the top." Radar said with his arms crossed over his chest. "Um, Sir? We do have a little bit of a problem." Radar said as the doctors were inspecting their new incubator.

"What?" Hawkeye asked worriedly.

"Well he wants steak for tonight." Radar said, nodding in the direction of Colonel Blake's office. "Barbecued."

"So?"

"Can you set this thing for rare?" Radar asked innocently. The doctors looked around the office, not seeing the barbecue that was there before. They looked at each other in mirth. Hawkeye reached forewords and pinched Radar's cheek affectionately, and Leah wrapped her arms around him from behind and gave him a kiss on the other cheek, leaving a lipstick stain. Radar blushed so deeply, you almost couldn't see the mark at the show of affection.

 **AN: Just to be clear, that kiss was completely platonic. Leah will not be paired with a character until much later, and it won't be Radar. I'm thinking that I'll have Leah act as a matchmaker for Radar, giving him a few pointers in the romance department. Also, it took me about four hours to write this chapter, so the next chapter won't be coming until I have another four consecutive hours to get it done.**

 **-Smurfette81013**

Updated 03/16/2018


	3. Hot Lips, Empty Arms & Leah's letter

**2:14 – Hot Lips, Empty Arms and a Letter for Leah**

Leah was sitting in the Swamp, listening to classical music on her record player and reading 'The Little Prince' in French. She had taken Spanish through school in grade three, and in her first and third years of high school. She had taken French in school from grade four up until the end of high school. She had read 'The Little Prince' in one of her high school French classes and loved it. She purchased the copy from her teacher and had read it several times since then in French, English and Spanish, just to see the differences in the story after the words had been changed.

Hawkeye and Trapper didn't understand her love for classical music or French children's books, and they had teased her when they first found out, but had grown to deal with it, especially after she started to read aloud. They had no clue what she was saying, but her voice was soothing as it flowed with the sophisticated and aristocratic language. It was a children's book, so she often showed them the pictures originally illustrated as well as the ones she had drawn in the corners and in the margins. They weren't the best quality, but they helped the two men to follow the story.

Hawkeye and Trapper were happily, or as happily as they could get in the middle of a war-zone, playing go fish. Leah was fairly sure that they were just waiting for the next batch of gin to be ready, but they were behaving themselves, so she didn't really care. They had recently pulled a prank on Hot Lips and Ferret-face, so Leah figured there would be two or three days of relative peace within the Swamp.

It was about noon when Radar knocked on the door.

"Entrez, petit lecteur d'esprit." Leah said, not realizing that her brain hadn't switched back into 'English mode'.

"What does that mean?" Radar asked as he walked into the tent.

"Enter, little mind reader." She said absent mindedly. She was still reading the book.

"Oh, well I've got mail here for everybody." Radar said, divvying up the mail.

"I've got mail already?" Leah asked. She had only been at the 4077th for two weeks.

"Yeah, from a 'Miss Hailey Benson.'" Radar said, reading off of the letter. "The same lady also sent this package."

"That's my baby sister. She and her husband live in Washington State. I haven't seen her since she moved a couple months ago." Leah said, taking the brown package and letter from Radar.

"Your little sister got married before you did?" Trapper asked in interest.

"Yeah. We promised our Daddy that we wouldn't get married until after we finished school. For me, that was just last year. My baby sister just went to teacher's college, so she was done when she was twenty. She's twenty-five now, and her husband Daniel treats her like a queen."

"I don't blame the guy. If she's anything like you," Hawkeye trailed off.

"Trust me, he just about has to. Between my Daddy, brother, god-brothers, cousins and I he has to be on his best behaviour at all times." Leah explained, opening her letter.

 _Dear Leah,_

 _I'm so sorry to hear that you got shipped out early, but I know that you'll be saving dozens if not hundreds of lives over in Korea, so I can't really be selfish and tell you that I need you here in the States with me. I know you didn't have time to pack up some of your things, and I never had the chance to return some of your things (which I only have because Mom put them in the wrong box when we moved out!) so I've sent them along with the letter._

 _I've heard horror stories about Army-rationed food, so I've included three dozen white chocolate chip cranberry cookies. I believe Daniel wants to send you a bottle of Tequila, since we're going to see the Mayan ruins in Mexico in a few weeks. You should have it within the next month or two, depending on the speed of the post service. I have no clue when you'll be getting this letter, so when you send a reply, tell me how long it took to get to you (I've included the date I sent the letter at the bottom of the page) so that I know if I can send perishables._

 _Mom and Daddy are worried about you being off so close to the front, but Daniel assured them that as a M.A.S.H unit, you are protected under the Geneva Convention. I don't really know what that is, but it seemed to help ease Mom and Daddy's anxiety. They were still pretty tense up until Mikey promised that he'd keep his ear open for any news about the 4077th M.A.S.H. I could tell that Daniel felt a little rejected, since they took the word of our honorary uncle's son before his, until I explained that Mikey is an Army Ranger._

 _Robert is doing alright, as far as I'm aware. You know how he can be, not talking to you for weeks on end and then chatting your ear off every day for a month. He's still dating Kennedy, and she's usually pretty good about leaving him notes to help him remember things. Mom didn't get a call telling her to pick up Robert's prescription, so Kennedy either picked it up for him or left notes all around the apartment to remind him to do it on his way back from the studio. I think she's planning to send you copies of his newest comic book series. I have no clue what it's about, but it's something colourful that will remind you of home._

 _From what I've heard through the grapevine (Aunt Stéphanie's last phone call with Mom) Lilianne has broken up with her fiancé. He joined the Army without so much as looking in her direction, and then told her that she should be proud of his courage and patriotism. Lili disagreed. Anyways, the wedding is off, and Lili has decided that she's going to use that money to go to college as a Vet's assistant. She's been accepted into Guelph University in Ontario Canada, so she'll be leaving Québec. Uncle Louis freaked out a little when he saw the tuition fee, but Lilianne put her foot down, and Aunt Stéphanie supported her, since it's her life, her dreams and her money (Stéphanie's words to Mom in the phone call)._

 _I can't wait to hear back about life at the 4077th M.A.S.H! I'm sure you're really busy in surgery for hours on end and then have nothing else to do afterwards since you're at an Army camp. Have you made any friends yet? Tell me about everybody in your next letter. I want to hear about your commanding officer, fellow surgeons, the nurses, potential love interests, and all the enlisted staff that make the M.A.S.H unit run. I hope I hear back from you soon!_

 _Love from your sister,_

 _Hailey._

 _P.S. It was September 6th when I sent the letter._

"Horrible news from my wife." Trapper said as Leah finished reading her letter.

"What's wrong?" Leah asked, opening her package.

"She still loves me, misses me and can't wait until I get home." Trapper said. Leah looked at him sadly. She didn't understand why Trapper would stay married to his wife if he was upset that she still loved him. Or maybe his guilt from cheating on her so many time finally caught up with him.

"Well, my sister loves me enough to send my favourite type of cookies." Leah said, tossing one to each of her friends. Both men looked at the huge container of cookies with jealousy for a moment but ate the cookies they were given as though it was the food of the gods.

Leah took their distraction as an opportunity to unpack the things her sister had sent. There was her fluffy white robe with different coloured hearts all over it, her favourite scarf (which her uncle bought for her while in Venice) and her favourite old pair of boots. They were brown leather and laced up to her mid calf. She had worn them nearly every day for a year. They were very comfortable though, and wonderful quality, meaning they would last a long time. She immediately shed her army issued jacket and put on her robe.

She could still smell the scents of her home in the robe. Her father's cigar smoke and scotch, her mother's paints, chocolate cookies and the vanilla perfume she wore every day.

"What's your letter say?" Hawkeye asked as he reached for another cookie. Leah let him take one, since she had three batches, each of which had 2 dozen cookies.

"My sister is a bit of a chatterbox, so she's made it her mission to tell me every detail about what happens at home."

"Where is home for you?" Trapper asked, taking two more cookies.

"Well, my family is Canadian, but we moved to the States since my Daddy got a promotion. My Mom was pregnant with me at the time, so I am technically a dual citizen. I grew up in Central Valley California though. It's about an hour east of San Francisco." Leah explained.

"I've never heard of dual citizenship." Hawkeye said.

"It's not something Americans recognize. It's the Canadian term. In the States, you're either American or you're not. Since I was born in a California hospital, I'm seen as an American citizen in the eyes of the government. That's why they could draft me. Canada however, sees me as a citizen of both countries, since my parents are Canadian citizens."

"So the Canadians consider you one of their citizens despite the fact that you weren't born there, don't live there and don't work there?" Trapper asked.

"Essentially, yes. But I did go to university there, so I lived there and worked part time so that I had spending money. I also go up every Christmas to see my biological family as well as one set of godparents, Aunt Stéphanie and Uncle Louis."

"How many godparents do you need? I don't even know who mine were." Hawkeye said.

"I have two sets. An American set and a Canadian set. Aunt Stéphanie and Uncle Louis live in Québec, about 600 kilometres away from the part of Ontario that my parents grew up in. They have a daughter named Lilianne, and she's just had her 20th birthday. Then there's my American godparents, Aunt Tamara and Uncle Mason. They have twin sons, Blake and Derek who are a few months older than me."

"I need to talk to Louise! I don't think we have any plans for our girls, should something happen to us." Trapper said, a slightly panicked look taking over his face.

"Well, you can write you can write to your wife in peace, I have Post-Op duty now." Hawkeye said, looking at Leah's wristwatch.

"And I'm gonna go pass the cookies around. I'm sure everybody would appreciate the home cooking." Leah decided, putting on her boots. She left her robe on, since it would be a refreshing splash of colour in such a drab, green and khaki landscape.

"Leave some for us!" Trapper said, grabbing two more from the tin.

"I make no promises."

* * *

Within minutes of handing out her first cookie, Leah had been swarmed. Enlisted men came running, and she barely managed to control how many they took. By the time she was done at the nurses tent, she had a little less than a batch left. She decided to take a chance and go to Major Houlihan's tent and offer her a cookie. She knew that Frank was likely in her tent too, and therefore had to tread carefully. After all, it was the first time in two weeks she and her friends hadn't been in trouble for something. As much fun as it was messing with people and joining in on Hawkeye and Trapper's antics, she didn't want to make too many enemies, since she had no clue how long she would be stuck in Korea.

When Leah walked in, Margaret was still in the same rotten mood as she was in surgery earlier. A few nurses made mistakes that nobody would notice, but Margaret made it seem like they had left a wristwatch in the patient.

"What's eating you, Margaret?" Frank asked, leaning over her while she sat at her vanity. He attacked her neck with kisses, and Margaret's face looked exasperated in the mirror. The two didn't know that Leah had opened the door slightly.

"At the moment, you are." She said in annoyance.

"I can't help it; your ears are so delicious." Frank said before pulling away. "What's wrong, honey bunch?"

"Trisha Spalding, that's what's wrong, honey bunch." Leah smirked at the tone she used. It was a combination of annoyance, anger, disappointment and mockery. The last emotion was clearly directed at Frank.

"Would you like to tell me about your Trisha Spalding?" Frank asked as he nuzzled her ear with his nose.

"We were in training together. She married a doctor I turned down. And now she has a beautiful home with a swimming pool, two adorable children, a two-car garage. Oh Frank, it all could have been mine!" Margaret exclaimed, her tone full of regret and longing as she looked at the picture that Trisha Spalding had sent with the letter. "That could have been me!"

Frank whistled at the sight of the house in the picture. "That house must have run $40,000." He said in jealousy.

"Forty-five!" Margaret exclaimed. "I'd have loved him if I'd have known!" At that, Margaret got up and Leah quickly shut the door, listening through the tent material.

"But no. I married the army, and what have I got to show for it?" Margaret exclaimed as Frank mouthed prices to himself. "Rotten living conditions, no social life, surrounded by insolent doctors and nurses who don't give me one ounce of respect."

Margaret sat down on her cot and sulked. At the sight of her pouty lips, Frank got up from the vanity and moved to sit next to her.

"Darling. It's only the people who know you that don't give you any respect." He said, not realizing how deep of a hole he was digging himself into. "And that's because you hide all your goodness." He said, redeeming himself slightly.

"I have nothing – nothing! I've been here three months and I've worked myself to the bone and that Watson brat has been here two weeks but has everything I want. She is intelligent, beautiful and has two competent and potentially rich doctors wrapped around her little finger. She could whistle and half the men on this base would come running!" Margaret exclaimed.

"Well, am I nothing Margaret? I wouldn't go running if she whistled." Frank said, crossing his arms and gazing dejectedly at his mistress.

"You're government issue, Frank. You came with my mess kit and my khaki girdle." Margaret said, lying down on her stomach and facing away from Frank. Leah took their distraction to open the door again.

"So much for Frank Burns," The incompetent surgeon said.

"And after you're home, I'll only be a smile on your face that your wife won't understand." Margaret said sadly. Frank scurried over to the blonde woman's side, trying to get her affection back.

"Margaret, you're serving your country in the most noble way a woman can. In the finest tradition of nursing. You have your commission," Frank said.

"The war can't last forever, Frank. They'll declare peace, and then where will I be?" She demanded, getting up and storming back to her vanity.

"There'll always be another war." Frank said happily, thinking he was helping. He got up and followed her back to her vanity, leaning down next to her like he did before.

"Margaret, let's go to Tokyo for the weekend." He suggested, smiling at her

"I don't want a weekend. I want a lifetime." Margaret said, sounding close to tears as she picked up the picture Trisha Spalding had sent.

"A weekend can be a lifetime if you use it right." Frank said, sinking to his knees and resting his chin on her shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere with you Frank. This is the end of the line for us." She said determined, looking at her reflection in the mirror. "From now on, I'm number one! Me, Margaret Houlihan! And believe me soldier, I deserve better than you!" She declared, now looking at Frank.

"Margaret dearest, I-" Frank began, but Margaret dragged hum up off the ground by the arm and threw him out of her tent, narrowly missing Leah, who had dodged out of the way and hid around the side of the tent.

Leah remained hidden as Frank trudged back to the Swamp. She knew he arrived when she heard him trip over the pair of boots she had left in the middle of the floor.

Leah turned back towards the tent and opened the door, inviting herself in.

"I thought I told you to get out!" Margaret exclaimed, not looking up from the picture.

"Oh relax, I'm not Ferret-face. I come bearing gifts!" Leah said cheerfully, holding out the open tin of cookies. Margaret looked very unimpressed, simply glaring at the tin of cookies. Leah slowly pulled the tin away and frowned.

"You know Hot Lips, it wouldn't kill you to be appreciative of something for once, especially around here." Leah snapped at the other woman, who was glaring at her like she was a manifestation of Trisha Spalding.

Leah tossed a cookie onto Margaret's pillow before storming out of the woman's tent.

* * *

Two hours later, Margaret stormed into the Office.

"Is Colonel Blake in?" She demanded, seeing Radar with his feet on his desk, carefully avoiding the typewriter, smoking a cigar and drinking some of Henry's booze. He also had a few cookies from Leah sitting on a napkin.

"Yeah, but he's busy right now." Radar said, not taking his eyes off of his magazine.

Margaret stormed over to the desk, so she could look him in the eye.

"Come to attention. Get to your feet. Put that cigar out. Get rid of that magazine." It took Radar a moment to register what she said, but then scrambled to do as she ordered.

"Yes sir," He said as he pulled the cigar out of his mouth and out it on the desk.

"It's ma'am. Men are sirs. Women are ma'ams. I'm a woman. I'm a ma'am." Margaret corrected with a glare.

"Yes sir! I mean ma'am sir." Radar said. Margaret sighed, knowing that was the best she would get out of the Clerk.

"Where is Colonel Bubblehead?" She demanded.

"He gave orders not to be disturbed." Radar said, fidgeting.

"He's already disturbed." Margaret snapped, heading towards Henry's office. Radar immediately moved to block her.

"Out of my way, Corporal."

"Major, he's watching a, uh, training film. And it's pretty rough in there – bodies and everything." Radar said desperately trying to keep her out of Henry's office.

"Since when do bodies bother me?" She asked, pushing past him. She pushed past the Corporal and burst into her CO's office. Inside were Henry, Leah, Trapper and Hawkeye, watching a smutty film in the dark. The three men were practically drooling at the sight of the two women's bodies, while Leah was watching the way the man's perfect muscles contracted and relaxed as he moved.

"Colonel!" Margaret exclaimed, switching on the lights.

"Whoops," Henry said as the four surgeons turned towards her.

"That is the most vulgar, based thing I have ever seen!" Margaret said in disgust.

"Margaret, they're just dancing." Leah said, leaving out the steamy parts they had just watched.

"And you can't just come in in the middle." Hawkeye added as the blonde woman moved next to him.

"That isn't dancing, it's disgusting!" The Major cried.

"The critics panned it too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits." Hawkeye said, barely taking his eyes off the screen. Margaret went to stand in front of the projector, blocking the film.

"Colonel, I'd like to hear your explanation for this." Margaret said as the four surgeons tried to see around her.

"Ah Major, we're grown men a long way from home." Henry said, trying to peek around Margaret.

"And what's your excuse Captain Watson?" She demanded, looking the female surgeon in the eye.

"Hot Lips, can you not see the blue satin dress that the receptionist is wearing? Such beauty cannot be found in Korea." She said, standing up on her chair to see over the blonde.

"Oh for Pete's sake." Henry said, turning off the projector. The three Captains immediately protested.

"Truth to tell, the only woman I have to explain anything to is a 35-year-old, slightly pigeon-toed, mouth-breather with $2000 worth of bridge work." Henry said, looking the Major in the eye. He turned to his fellow surgeons before continuing. "That I still owe $1500 on."

"I'm certain she would find that obscene!" Margaret said, her disgusted look never leaving her face.

"Margaret, there's an even bigger obscenity around here. It's called the war. Anyone over 18 is admitted." Hawkeye interjected.

"Colonel, I want a transfer." Margaret said, her demeanour changing.

"No transfers are issued until the train comes to a full stop." Leah said, earning a look of approval from Hawkeye.

"And watch your step getting off." Trapper added, pointing to Hot Lips.

"And these three are at the top of my list. Two of them was Hell but three of them are unbearable." Margaret said, pointing angrily at the three Captains.

"Hey, we finished first, second and third." Hawkeye said jokingly, prompting each of them to shake hands.

"They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff. They have made a mockery of my majority." Margaret looked like she wanted to continue, but Hawkeye interrupted her.

"What do you know, we're major mockers." He said as he stood up.

"Simmer down Pierce, that's an order." Henry said, his fishing hat raising from his eyebrows moving.

"An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealy-mouthed, fly-fishing imposter!" Margaret snapped.

"He's not an imposter." Trapper defended.

"Right, he's a genuine spineless, mealy-mouthed fly-fisherman." Leah said, getting her drink refilled. This got a chuckle out of the men, including Henry.

"Watson, you're the limit." He said around his cigar.

"That's right. Go ahead and laugh." Margaret said, moving closer to the desk.

"Oh, come on Major." Henry tried to reason. "You know what they say. _A laugh turned away thy wrath_."

"Who said that? I never heard anybody say that." Hawkeye said to Trapper. This caught the four surgeons attention again, making the Major even more impatient and irritated.

"Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer." She said, slamming her hands on the desk.

"Look, I'm glad this has come up. Now I want you three to straighten up and fly right. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect 'accordable' to someone who's achieved her high rank and sex." Henry said, looking at the Captains, who looked amused.

"I'm not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peelers or their red-haired temptress." Margaret pointed out.

"You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life." Trapper said, pretending to be sad. Radar entered the office as Henry sat down on his desk.

"You really want to leave us?" He asked.

"I really have to." The blonde said determinedly.

"Well, Radar-" Henry began to call.

"Here's the transfer papers, Sir." The clerk said, handing the CO the requested papers. Radar left the office as Henry handed Hot Lips the papers.

"Here you go. In case you have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this. Right group?" He said, looking at the three stooges.

"Right." They all said in unison, unusually quiet. Henry got up off the desk, ignoring the creaking sound it made and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Whatever was, of course, has been. But we are a family, Margaret." Henry said, looking at the younger woman. All five of the office's occupants looked towards the door though, as Radar's voice came in through the PA.

"Attention, all personnel. Effective immediately, Major Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th. There will be wine with dinner and for dessert, there's ice cream with chocolate sauce."

"Well, there are families and there are families." Hawkeye said with a shrug. At that, Margaret stormed out of the office, papers in hand. Leah immediately got up to turn off the lights while the men turned the film back on.

* * *

As soon as the film was finished, Henry kicked the three Captains out of his office, telling them that he would see them at dinner. Leah, Hawkeye and Trapper took that as the hint it was and made their way back to the Swamp so that Colonel Blake could have some privacy. Hawkeye and Trapper quickly busied themselves with making a new batch of Gin while Leah sat back and began writing a response to her sister's letter. Frank was reading a newspaper, trying not to let Margaret's departure bother him.

"Frank, Margaret's departure is imminent." Hawkeye aid, trying to get the man to open up.

"So?" Frank said, not looking away from his paper.

"Well, isn't that un-zinging the strings of your heart just a little bit?" Hawkeye asked the man.

"None of your business, Captain Buttinsky." Frank snapped. Trapper looked up from the still for a minute, looking at Hawkeye.

"Frank, one is a lonely number." Trapper said, looking at a bottle.

"I'll thank you to mind your p's and q's." Frank said, finally looking away from his paper.

"That hurt." Trapper said, sounding genuine but clearly joking.

"Wanna join us?" Hawkeye asked the Major, grabbing a martini glass and tossing it to Leah before grabbing a few others and heading towards Frank's cot. He nodded his head toward the door, motioning for Leah to join them. She got up, grabbed her jacket and joined them at the door.

"We're going over with a farewell bottle of 'champagne'." Hawkeye said, looking over at the beady-eyed man.

"No thanks." He said, looking over his shoulder at his three tent-mates. "There are more important things to do."

"Won't you miss her Frank?" Leah asked, curious about his behaviour. "Those midnight meetings behind the delousing tent?"

"Soaping each other in the scrub room?" Trapper added.

"Fumbling with the leather aprons in X-Ray?" Hawkeye said cheekily. That really got Frank's attention, as he spun around to look at them, glaring and crumpling his paper. The trio took that as the 'no' it was and headed out of the Swamp toward Margaret's tent. The woman was busy packing when they arrived.

Leah knocked on the door, remembering the reception she had gotten earlier.

"Who is it?" Margaret called out.

"Your three favourite people in the whole wide world." Hawkeye said.

"Go away!" Margaret demanded. Hawkeye just opened the door enough to stick his hand in and waved around one of Leah's white shirts on an unbent hanger to show their surrender before the three invited themselves in.

"What do you three want?" Hot Lips asked, continuing to pack her things up.

"This is the 'let bygones be bygones' scene, Margaret. We brought you a little 'champers'." Hawkeye said as Trapper held out the bottle.

"Fifteen minutes ago it was a very good year." He said, resting it down on one of her boxes.

"It's especially for you Margaret. Trapper stomped on the grapes himself with his own two reasonably-clean feet." Leah added.

"She really knows how to sell wine." Trapper said, filling the martini glasses and handing them around.

"Miss Margaret," Trapper said with a phoney southern accent as he handed her the glass. "Miss Linnea." He said as he handed Leah hers with a small bow.

"Miss Hawkeye." The blond man said with a small bow and a smirk. Hawkeye lifted his glass in a toast.

"Now that you're going, Margaret, all that stands out are the good things. If I could remember one I'd mention it." Margaret glared at Hawkeye's comment, but didn't say anything as he continued on. "Fighting they say, is a form of loving. I guess we've shown about as much love for you as we could without knocking your teeth out. We'll miss you in out hearts." Hawkeye said, raising his glass a little higher.

"And in the shower." Trapper couldn't help but add. The three surgeons took a sip of their gin at that, although Leah glared at them first.

"I'd like to propose a toast." Margaret said. "Here's to Captains Pierce, McIntyre and Watson. To their all-night binges, to their secret nurse ceremonies, to their planting of microphones in sleeping bags, to their childish switching of names on latrines." Margaret said as the three Captains looked at each other.

"Was that really all over the course of a week? It feels like longer." Leah said, cocking her head a little.

"All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell." Margaret continued as if Leah hadn't spoken. The Captains all shared a look, remembering the Colonel they had met not too long ago. "Which culminates in a detailed account of your plans for Thanksgiving. You know, the 'come as your favourite nude pilgrim' party." Margaret said, finally taking a drink.

She drank the entire glass in one sip and shook her head. "This stuff isn't champagne. Champagne tickles my nose."

"This stuff eats it away." Hawkeye said seriously. Margaret glared at him and quickly kicked them all out so that she could return to packing.

* * *

Not twenty minutes later, Hot Lips was marching towards the Swamp with a big box in her arms. She knocked on the door to the Swamp and Frank foolishly let her in without looking to see who it was.

"Oh, uh, Margaret. Let me get my robe, I'm in my underwear." Frank said, looking up from his small table full of papers and pulling on a bathrobe.

"How nice for both of you." Margaret said, clearly unimpressed. "You writing a letter to your wife, Frank? Is there anything in there about you-know-who who used to be your you-know-what?" Margaret asked in the same tone. What she didn't know was that Leah was taking a nap in her cot, covered in blankets and clothing that she had yet to fold and put away. Leah had woken up at the sound of the knocking though and was now eavesdropping on another conversation between the Major's.

"Margaret, I don't like to see you bitter." Frank said, turned towards her in his chair.

"Tough toenails. Here are your things, Frank." She said, walking across the tent to place the box on the surgeon's bedside table. "Your picture of us at Osaka, your love letters, your mother's day card and Bimbo." Margaret said, pulling the various items out of the box.

"Margaret, Bimbo is ours." Frank said, holding up the stuffed and poorly stitched dog with black and white spots.

"Bimbo is only a dog…stuffed." Margaret said, pushing the stuffed animal back at the Ferret-faced man.

"Take the hint, Frank." Margaret said as she moved towards the still.

"Margaret, this is so unlike you." Frank said, hugging the stuffed dog close.

"No it's not. If I'd have been more like me, you maybe would have liked me more." It was this sentence and the fact that she was pouring a martini glass full of gin that brought Frank to his brilliant conclusion.

"You've been drinking!" He said, jumping up out of his chair and still clutching Bimbo tightly.

"Correction, I am drinking." She said, raising the glass and slowly turning around to face the man.

"Margaret, that's liquor!" Frank said indignantly. Margaret took a sip from her glass.

"Right, Reverend Davidson. I'm celebrating a brand-new life! Six months away from this snake pit and I'll be a Colonel." Margaret said confidently, strutting back to where Frank was looking on with disapproval. "I know a lot of Generals, you know Frank?"

"I know you know them, Margaret." Frank said.

"And a few lieutenant colonels and one pretty nifty warrant officer who used to be a masseur." She said as she continued to sip the gin she had taken. "Do you want a slug, Frank?" She asked, holding out the glass.

"This doesn't become you, Margaret." Frank said, feeling superior for a moment.

"Oh? And what becomes me, Frank? Hanging around delousing tents, meeting in laundry trucks?" At this, Margaret's tone changed. "Frank, I believe you have my leather-bound copy of the army officers' guide, my cuticle scissors, tweezers and my Doris Day scrapbook. I would like them back please."

Frank began packing the requested items back into the box Margaret had brought with her to the Swamp.

"This is a terrible way for two friends to part, Margaret." He said, still holding the ridiculous stuffed dog.

"Two friends, Frank?" She asked dangerously, once again filling her glass from the still. "What are you doing, rehearsing a letter home to your wife? _Darling, did I mention my friend Major Houlihan has been transferred? You would have liked him. Swell guy_." Margaret mocked. Frank looked a little like a deer caught in the headlights, not that Margaret noticed. Leah did though and made a mental note to tell Hawkeye and Trapper about it over supper. Frank quickly turned the letter he had been composing over to hide what he had written. This just made Leah sure that he had in fact, told his wife that Major Houlihan was a man.

"They're out of champagne." Margaret said as she finished off the last of the gin in the still. She slammed the glass down and stormed across the tent.

"I think you've had enough, Margaret." Frank warned. She paused at the door and turned towards him.

"Who asked you?" She snapped. "Ferret-face." She added as she grabbed the box with her belongings and left the tent. Frank just pet Bimbo's head nervously before settling down and finishing his letter.

* * *

Immediately after leaving the Swamp, Margaret made her way over to Colonel Blake's office. Radar wasn't in his office, so she just marched on through to Henry's office.

"Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet." She slurred, walking up to the desk. She walked past it to Henry's liquor cabinet, rattling the doors.

"Uh, how do you get into this thing?" She asked, turning back towards her commanding officer.

"Is there something you want?" He asked, standing near her with his hands in his pockets.

"I thought a little farewell drink – major to colonel," she said, gesturing drunkenly with her hands, almost knocking a picture off of Henry's wall.

"Looks like you've already been dipping your bill." Henry said, walking towards the cabinet and getting the keys out of his pants pocket. "You sure you won't reconsider, Major?" He asked her as he unlocked his cabinet.

"No, I've thought it over and I definitely would like another drink." She said, playing with her ear.

"Is scotch and water okay?" Henry asked, pulling out a bottle and two glasses.

"That's fine. You can skip the water." She said, looking at the bottle as Henry began to pour.

"Okay," Henry drawled.

"Okay," Margaret mocked, giggling at the sound of her voice.

"You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but we do awful good work together." Henry said as he pored himself a drink.

"Yeah, I can't fight you there." Margaret said softly.

"Cheers," Henry said, tapping his glass to the side of hers. Henry took a sip of his drink, but Margaret drank it like a shot, despite the fact that it was two drinks worth of alcohol.

"I need army discipline." Margaret said suddenly, sounding much more intoxicated than before. "I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?" She asked, looking up into the man's eyes.

"Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake." Henry said nervously.

"That's really swell of you, Pete." Margaret said with a goofy but sincere smile.

Henry sat down at his desk, looking a little irritated.

"Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?" Margaret asked, sitting down on the corner of Henry's desk.

"Well, a lot of people have said that, but your father is still alive, Major." Henry said, reminding her as he finished his drink. Margaret poured herself a triple helping of booze.

"It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now." She said, gesturing with the obscene amount of alcohol.

"Yeah, sure." Henry said, hoping she would leave before she had the chance to finish that drink. "Uh, that scotch you just poured is rye." He said, gesturing towards her glass.

"That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin." She slurred, swallowing a mouthful of rye. Radar picked that time to come bursting in with his clipboard.

"Sir, we just got word, a company of marines has been hurt pretty bad." He reported.

"Are the choppers evacuating?" Henry asked, temporarily taking his eyes off of the drunken nurse.

"Yes sir, should be here in about 45 minutes." Radar said, waiting for instructions.

"Okay, alert all personnel on O.R." Henry said, getting up and moving toward the door.

"Both shifts?" Radar asked, taking down notes on the clipboard.

"Yeah, both shifts. Get every patient that can walk out of the hospital. That's basically everything." Henry said as they both left the office.

"Oh my goodness, it's an emergency!" Margaret exclaimed. She quickly chugged the rest of her rye and got up off the desk. "It's a good thing I'm a nurse." She said, slamming the glass down and following the others out the door.

"What's cooking Henry?" Hawkeye asked as he, Trapper and Leah intercepted the Colonel on his way to O.R.

"A lot of injured people coming in – marines. Could be a long stretch." Henry said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Marines? That means youngsters." Trapper said worriedly.

"Boy, I'd give $50 to see a varicose vein." Leah said.

"Give me the money and I'll drop my pants." Henry said, holding out his hands, only half joking.

"Everything's ready, sir." Radar said as he ran up behind them.

"Did you make sure all of the hospital beds are available?" Henry asked.

"I'm sure every available bed is available, now move it Barnacle-brain." Leah said, urging the group forwards.

"Call and make sure the helipad is clear." Henry said with a sigh.

"Yes sir," Radar said before scurrying off. He didn't make it far before Margaret caught up to him.

"Oh, corporal." She said, coming to a wobbly stop. "I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?" She said with his eyes half closed and a look of determination on her face, marred by the alcohol's affect on her brain. She seemed to have spotted him because she began stumbling off in the direction Radar had come from.

"I wonder if you can too." Radar mumbled to himself, before carrying on with his orders.

It took a few minutes for Margaret to catch up to them, but she eventually stumbled in front of the surgeons and stopped, standing up as straight as she could and saluting.

"Major Margan Houlahet reporting for duty, sir." She slurred.

"Boy, drunk as a skunk." Henry said disappointedly.

"She's tanked." Trapper laughed.

"A fine time to make a drinking debut." Leah said sarcastically.

"Where are the casualties, sir?" The Major asked, surprising everyone with her use of a four-syllable word.

"Now just hold your horses. They're not even here yet." Colonel Blake said, trying to distract her.

"Well then let's go get 'em sir! I'll drive." She said, spinning towards the jeeps. The three Captains couldn't help the laughter that burst out of them.

"Major, dear, you're drunk." Henry said, holding her still with a firm grip on her shoulders.

"Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am." Margaret tried to argue. The three Captains laughed even harder at that.

"You better go to your tent, Major." Henry said softly but sternly.

"But I can't operate in my tent." Margaret pointed out with a glare.

"You're doing okay so far." Trapper wheezed out in between laughs. Hawkeye and Leah still seemed incapable of talking.

"Oh go salute yourself!" Margaret yelled at them, making their laughter even worse. Leah was now clutching her stomach, it hurt from laughing so much.

"That's it, come on. You two need to sober her up." Henry said, pointing at Hawkeye and Trapper. "We're gonna need her tonight."

"Why us? Can't Leah do it?" Hawkeye asked. Henry pulled Margaret out of the way by the back of her shirt before explaining the situation to Hawkeye.

"Because Leah has the first shift with me, and there are a lot of people here who would enjoy seeing this get on her record."

"And we wouldn't?" Trapper asked, still grinning.

"I think you guys are in a different league. Besides, I'm ordering you to do it. Please?" He asked as the blonde woman stumbled back over to the group.

"You said the magic word." Hawkeye said as he and Trapper pulled her away by the arms, guiding her backwards down the dirt road.

"Where are we going?" The Major asked.

"Never you mind," Trapper said as the two men dragged her into the shower tent. Trapper dragged her into one of the stalls and held her under the spray of water that Hawkeye controlled from outside of the shower stall.

"What are you doing?" She asked as Trapper pulled her head up to let her breathe a little easier. Hawkeye turned the water odd for a moment.

"A new surgical procedure," He quickly lied. "You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes."

"That's ridiculous!" Margaret slurred, shoving the hair out of her face. Hawkeye and Trapper shared a look before turning the water back on and shoving her head under the stream of water once more. Margaret began laughing hysterically, prompting Trapper to let her back up and Hawkeye to turn the water off.

"I like it." She giggled, her hair in her face once again.

"More." Trapper said as they started the process again. Margaret just continued cackling.

"You wanna know something?" She asked, not waiting to be let up again. "You really wanna know something?" Trapper let her back up and Hawkeye let go of the chain that turned the water on.

"No." Trapper said, an annoyed smile on his face. Hawkeye just looked bored.

"Okay," Margaret said, getting the water out of her mouth.

"What?" Hawkeye sighed.

"I really could have gone for you." She said, stumbling towards Hawkeye as Trapper let go of her shirt.

"Well it's been known to happen." Hawkeye said, not looking any more amused than before.

"Not you, him." She said, turning towards Trapper and throwing her arms around his neck.

"That curly blond hair and that crooked smile." She began to ramble as Hawkeye handed Trapper a towel. "You're really built, too, you know. You son of a gun." She said as Trapper wrapped her in the towel and guided her out of the shower stall. "And there you were out of uniform, unshaven, no sirs, no salute no nothin'." She slurred as Trapper gently pushed her off of him and towards the tent door.

"That's when I fell in love with him." Hawkeye said, mockingly serious. The two men guided the stumbling nurse towards her tent and out on a pot of coffee. Hawkeye began prepping the woman's arm for an injection while Trapper distracted her, pretending to listen as she rambled.

"So where does that leave me? I turned to that no-lip, chalk-skinned, snivelling wife lover." She said, still wrapped in the bright yellow towel from earlier.

"Frank Burns," Trapper said, prompting her to continue so that Hawkeye could fill the needle.

"Yes. Did either of you ever kiss Frank?" She asked, staring at Trapper with unfocused eyes.

"Not me. How about you?" Trapper asked Hawkeye, playing along.

"I was hoping maybe this New Year's Eve." The man responded, pulling the filled needle out of the bottle.

"I probably shouldn't be telling you this," Margaret said, looking around for eavesdroppers as Hawkeye placed the needle at her arm. "but Frank Burns is a lipless wonder."

"Come on now, down the hatch." Trapper said, pulling her attention back towards him and the coffee in his hands. She lowered her face down to the cup and tried to take a sip as Hawkeye jabbed the needle into her arm and injected the medicine.

"Ow!" She cried, pulling her face away from the coffee mug. "What was that?"

"A load of B-1 from Leah, to get you back on your feet again." Hawkeye explained, putting the equipment back in its bag.

"And I didn't get her anything." Margaret said with a pout.

* * *

An hour later and the three Captains were once again in surgery.

"Number ten blade." Frank requested.

"Gonna do some cutting Frank? Henry asked from the other side of the table, since they were working together on the patient. It was a hard one, and Henry didn't trust Frank to do it alone.

"Well, as long as I'm there, I thought I'd go after the appendix." Frank said, his voice high and irritating.

"That's not the appendix, Frank." Henry said, clearly annoyed at the man's incompetence. "That's my pinky. And I'm very fond of it." Frank looked from Henry, down to the patient and back up at Henry.

"Oh,"

"Forceps," Leah demanded across the room, sick of listening to Frank's voice.

"Forceps," Margaret repeated as she handed Leah the requested instrument.

"Doctor? Doctors?" Margaret began, looking over to Hawkeye, who was helping Leah with a very bad chest case.

"Hmm?" Hawkeye acknowledged.

"I'm grateful to you for helping me." She said, sounding very small.

"Don't mention it." Leah said, pulling out a piece of shrapnel.

"To anyone." Hawkeye said, "We have reputations to protect. Suction"

"Suction," Margaret repeated, performing the requested action.

"You know something, Hawk?" Leah said, shortening the Captain's nickname. He looked up at her, knowing where she was going, since he filled her in on Margaret's babbling.

"Huh?" He asked, pulling out a piece of metal.

"Trapper really is built, the son of a gun." She joked, smirking at the other doctor from behind her mask. Margaret's eyes widened comically at that.

* * *

The next morning, Margaret was hungover, and her memory was very spotty. She simply sat down in the Mess Tent at breakfast, leaving Frank to get her breakfast.

"Here's some more coffee, Margaret." He said, gently placing the mug in front of her. She groaned but thanked him as he sat down next to her.

"Feeling any better?" He asked with concern. Margaret just groaned in response.

"I'd have to be dead three days to feel better." Margaret said, her eyes squinting at the light.

"Poor darling angel." Frank said sympathetically, trying to get back in her good books before she came to her senses.

"Shut up, Frank." She whispered, leaning over her coffee mug.

"Whatever you say. I'm just so glad you're not going anywhere." Frank said with a smile. He had been worried that without Margaret on his side, he wouldn't have a girlfriend or any support within the M.A.S.H unit.

"That's so true, Frank." She said, taking a sip of the sludge the kitchen passed off as coffee.

"Hi, kids!" Hawkeye yelled from the coffee dispenser. "Mind if we join you?" He asked, gesturing towards Leah and Trapper. He didn't wait for an answer, simply inviting himself over and leaving Leah and Trapper to follow with their cups of sludge.

"Margaret? Margaret?" Trapper asked, moving quickly to the seat across from the hungover nurse. He clasped her hand in his and looked her in the eyes.

"I wanna tell you how much last night meant to me." He began, getting her undivided attention. "I just wanna know that you're not playing games." Margaret looked genuinely scared at that declaration. Hawkeye clearly didn't plan on making it any better when he added on.

"He means it. I saw him carve your name on a patient."

"Huh?" Margaret said, eyes full of horror.

"All those years we wasted taking showers by ourselves." Leah said in the same tone Trapper used, sitting next to Margaret and pressing her ample chest into the woman's side. Hawkeye looked at the scene with jealousy, adding to the illusion that Trapper and Leah we're creating.

"Now hold on!" Frank yelled, standing up. Margaret winced in pain at his loud, high tone.

"Watch it you two. He's got a scalpel in his sock." Hawkeye warned.

"I do not!" Frank said, his head snapping towards Hawkeye.

"How do you talk so well with no lips?" Leah asked, moving her arms to help Margaret block out the yelling. She liked to joke around, but Margaret was in pain, and her job as a doctor was to help people feel better.

"Will you listen to that?" Colonel Blake asked Radar as the two walked into the mess tent.

"It's terrific, isn't it sir?" Radar said with a smile.

"Yep, it's nice having all of the children together again." Henry said, dodging the tray Hawkeye threw at Frank. He and Radar just shared an exasperated look before moving towards the food line.

 **Author's Note:**

 **I'm back with another chapter! Just to be clear, I am not abandoning** ** _Let the Real Games Begin_** **, my Harry Potter/Hunger Games story. I will be updating that as soon as I figure out where I'm going with it, because I have a lot of ideas, but no way of transitioning to a point I can add them. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)**

Updated 03/17/2018

I never realized just how bad the auto-correct on my iPad really is . . . oh well. It's fixed now that the story's back on my laptop.


	4. The Officer's Club

**2:15 – Officer's Club**

It was once again Leah's turn to run X-rays on the wounded. It was repetitive, boring and involved a lot of fine tuning. She loved it. It was quiet, and only an hour-long shift. The job was also quite easy to do while hungover.

She bent over a patient, adjusting the young man's torso so that it would fit under the equipment a little better. She did some final adjustments on the equipment before walking behind the lead barrier.

"Okay, watch the birdie. Take a deep breath and hold it for me hon," She said to the patient, motioning for Nurse Ginger to begin taking the X-Ray. The machine's shutter clicked rapidly for a moment before shutting off again. Leah walked out from behind the barrier to help the patient up.

"Alright, you can relax now." She said as the man sat up, removing the undeveloped X-rays.

"See anything Doc?" The soldier asked.

"We send these out to the drugstore to be developed. I'll give you a call as soon as they're ready for pickup." She said with a kind smile. The man grinned at her as she handed the X-rays to Ginger.

"You should stay with us. We do beautiful work. Feeling okay?"

"I'm okay, Doc." The man responded, laying back down for a moment as Radar came into the room.

"Private Mitchell's pictures, ma'am." Radar said, handing her the two X-rays from the last patient.

It took all of Leah's self control not to wince at the sight of all the shrapnel. The two pictures were full of them, and it was all chest work.

"Oh wow." She mumbled as she looked through the window at Private Mitchell. "That guy looks like he swallowed a scrap yard. Ginger, prep him for surgery." Leah directed the other woman.

"It's a chest case and I'm too tired to do it alone. Radar, go wake Hawkeye up." She told Radar. He didn't look too enthusiastic.

"While he's asleep?" Radar asked nervously.

"That's the best time, Radar." Leah said, shooing him off and looking back at the X-Rays.

Poor Radar left the building and made his way towards the Swamp, which had some of it's flaps up, allowing for partial transparency. Radar stopped just outside of Hawkeye's section of the tent.

"Hawkeye? Hawk?" He asked, not getting any sort of response. The Corporal sighed and made his way towards the door. He immediately made his way towards the head of Hawkeye's cot, trying to wake the man gently.

"Hawkeye? Sir?" He asked before removing the blanket from what he thought was Hawkeye's head. It turned out to be his feet though, and as soon as the brisk air hit his toes, the surgeon was awake and pulling the blanket off of his face, which was resting where his feet were supposed to.

"Radar, who asked you to wake my feet?" Hawkeye asked drowsily.

"Sir, your head's at the wrong end." Radar pointed out, his eyes full of confusion.

"No it's not, it's always been here." Hawkeye sassed. "I'm gonna count to three and by the time I get to one, I want you out of here.

"But Sir, Leah needs you in surgery." Radar argued, knowing that would get the Captain out of his bed.

"I just came off 14 hours of surgery!" Hawkeye protested loudly. "If I cut open one more body it'll be yours for waking me." Hawkeye said, trying to go back to sleep. "Out! And cover my feet, the light's shining on my toenails."

"It's a chest case and they're prepping the patient." Radar said, pulling Hawkeye out of bed. The other man groaned but didn't fight him.

"If I'd have been a plastic surgeon, I could be doing noses now at $1000 a nostril." Hawkeye said as he finally sat up, letting Radar put his boots on his feet.

"Yes Sir." Radar said, knowing that agreeing with the drowsy man was what was going to get him to the O.R the fastest.

"As an eye man all you do is turn out the lights, say 'Read the top three lines' and go to sleep while they're reading it." Hawkeye continued, his eyes still half-lidded.

"Yes Sir," Radar repeated.

"Even as a proctologist I'd have been seeing new faces all the time." Hawkeye said as Radar pushed him off of his cot.

* * *

It took another twenty minutes, but Hawkeye was finally up, dressed and scrubbed up, ready to operate.

"Clamp," He said, holding his hand out. Ginger placed the instrument in his hand as she repeated him.

"I've got a little bleeding here. Suction." Leah said, looking down at Private Mitchell. She was assisting Hawkeye, since the Private was her patient in the first place, and she promised she would take care of him before he went under the anesthesia.

"Suction." Ginger repeated, doing as she was told.

"This kid had a lot of artillery for lunch." Hawkeye said sadly, pulling a large piece out of the Private's diaphragm.

"Hmm. Ready for the retractor?" Leah asked, looking over at what Hawkeye was doing.

"Wait a minute." Hawkeye said, digging around a little more. "Okay."

"Rough one, huh?" Leah asked Hawkeye, hating the silence of the operating room.

"Very unpretty. It's too bad you have to be all dressed up like that, I could use a pretty sight after seeing this." Hawkeye said, working around the retractor. Leah's green eyes looked at him, full of exasperation, but smiling crookedly under her mask.

Leah and Hawkeye continued to work as Colonel Blake walked in, quickly placing a mask over his mouth.

"How's it going, guys?" He asked.

"Fine. Pull up a chair and I'll deal you in." Hawkeye responded without missing a beat.

"You know what you got there?" Henry asked, ignoring the joke.

"A youngster shrapnel collector." Leah said, pulling a bullet out from near one of the kid's ribs.

"That's General Mitchell's son, Fifth Airborne." Henry said, keeping his distance from the open patient.

"The same General Mitchell whose press conference we crashed when we wanted that incubator?" Leah asked.

"That's the one." Henry confirmed.

"A general's son?" Ginger asked, looking at the Private with surprise.

"Hey Hawk, we're finally playing the Palace." Leah said, her eyes bright.

"Now I wish we'd washed our hands." Hawkeye joked.

"How's he doing?" Henry asked, looking at the work the two Captains were doing.

"He's got tracheal lacerations, but the esophagus is okay." Hawkeye said, being serious once more. It didn't last long though, as Margaret and Frank came in, prepped and ready to take over, despite the fact that Hawkeye and Leah were doing wonderfully with Ginger.

"Colonel, Major Burns is ready to assist." Margaret said as the duo made their way over.

"What do you think I'm doing? Stalling till my room is ready?" Leah asked, offended at the thought of being replaced. She may be young, but even the most incompetent nurse would make a better surgeon than Frank Burns.

"I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel." Margaret said, still addressing Colonel Blake.

"I think you just conjugated the Pentagon. Lap Sponge," Hawkeye interrupted.

"Colonel, I outrank Watson." Frank yelled angrily. "It is well within my purview to order her away from that table. Besides, as a man, I'm far more capable of doing the work of a man."

"Frank, why don't we just take our gloves off and step outside. I'll show you just how big of a man I am, starting by kicking in your special little spot and finishing when you're singing soprano for a week." Leah snapped at the man.

"I'm not operating too loudly for you people, am I?" Hawkeye drawled loudly.

"All right, let's cut the chatter." Henry said, cutting off Frank's next comment to Leah. The idiotic man really would be singing soprano for a week if he was allowed to continue running his mouth. "Pierce, any way we can help?"

"How about deserting alphabetically? Suction." Hawkeye suggested.

* * *

Two hours later, Colonel Blake and Klinger were in the Colonel's tent, smoking cigars. Klinger was wearing a white blouse and a blue patterned scarf over his head rather than his fatigues, and Colonel Blake was in his underwear.

"Klinger, you've asked for my advice." Henry began. "Now, I realize how badly you want out of the army."

"Yes sir." Klinger confirmed.

"But it's my considered opinion that nobody's going to believe that you're pregnant." Henry said, looking down at the pillows that Klinger had shaved under his skirt to form a baby bump.

"Well, I don't expect them to, sir." Klinger explained as he puffed on the cigar. "I just want them to think I'm so crazy that I think they would think I'm gonna have a baby."

"Well, it's none of my business Klinger, but uh, should someone in your condition be smoking a cigar?" Henry asked, gesturing towards the other man with his own cigar.

Radar stormed in as Klinger began putting out the cigar. The Corporal began pulling down the bras and pantyhose from the laundry line in Henry's tent.

"General Mitchell's helicopter just landed, sir." Radar said as he tried to ignore the feeling of the lace undergarments in his hands.

"General Mitchell?"

"Yes, sir. I sent a jeep for him." Radar confirmed as Henry joined him, frantically pulling down the laundry.

"Holy cow!" He breathed before looking over to the clerk.

"Radar, kill the laundry. Um, Klinger? Would you fix the bed?" Henry asked with his cigar between his teeth, running around the tent as he tried to clean up the mess he had made. He didn't seem to notice the pair of pantyhose hanging from one of the fishing lures on his hat.

"Congratulations," Radar said, looking down at Klinger's pillow-stuffed skirt.

"Can I do anything else sir?" Klinger asked as he finished making the cot up.

"Uh, no." Henry responded as he tried to pull on a pair of pants.

"Uh, get rid of those pillows. I'm terminating your pregnancy." Henry said, pausing as he tried to get his foot through the bottom of his pants.

"Not in front of the General, sir. I'll just wear my basic black, maybe pearls." Klinger suggested.

"Get out." Henry ordered, not having any success with his pants. Klinger was less than a second away from exiting the tent when an unfamiliar man stepped into the tent.

"Ten hut!" He snapped, saluting. Klinger stopped and stood up straight, Colonel Blake's pants fell down again, and poor Radar had been standing behind a woman's night shirt, so it looked as if he was wearing it.

"Colonel Blake," General Mitchell greeted as he walked into the tent.

"General," Henry said, dropping his salute. He looked over to Klinger nervously.

"Uh, dismissed Corporal Klinger." He said.

"Yes Sir!" Klinger said, dropping his hand and marching out the door, his fake baby bump leading the way.

"Corporal?" The General questioned, his head turning so he could watch Klinger March away.

"Uh, well, he's in the big show Saturday night." Henry said, his voice shaking.

"I understand my boy couldn't have been in better hands, Colonel." General Mitchell said, ignoring the lie.

"Well, we did our best, General." Henry said truthfully.

"He's doing well, is he?" The General asked.

"Very well. Right now he's sleeping like a baby. Like a General's baby." Henry said as the General turned away. He tried once again to pull up his pants while the other man dismissed his travelling companion but was unable to pull them up before the General turned back towards him. The General looked at him oddly.

"You do much fishing, do you?" He asked, looking at Henry's hat, and noticing the stalking.

"Oh, I do a little fooling around." Henry said, taking a puff of his cigar.

"I'd like to see the one that got away," The older man said as he pulled the stalking off of Henry's hat.

"You know how it is," Henry said, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"I used to." The General muttered. Henry looked up from the source of his embarrassment and saw that Radar was still standing on the bed.

"Uh, Corporal O'Reilly." He said, snapping Radar out of his thoughts.

"Yes a sir!" Radar responded promptly.

"Would you um," Henry began.

"There's my laundry," Leah said as she burst into the tent, completely ignoring the fact that the general was in the tent and looking at her with recognition. She marched over to Radar and took back a few pairs of panties and the nightshirt he was standing behind, leaving the bras and pantyhose.

"Just how did your laundry end up in here?" The General asked suspiciously. He had been so sure that the red-headed surgeon had been with one or even both of the surgeons from the press conference.

"Well, there's a bit of a story to that. Henry's wife likes to remind him of how much she loves him by sending raunchy letters, describing exactly what she wants to do with him when he gets home, and then sends him a pair of soiled undergarments to prove her point so to speak. The problem is that we have this little Korean lady do the laundry, and because Henry's wife and I have similar taste in undergarments, she often mixes them up." Leah lied smoothly, covering for Henry's girlfriend, who always left her wash drying in his tent.

"How do you know about the letters?" The General asked.

"Because my tent mate Frank steals them and pretends that they're from his wife. He's got a collection of them in his desk drawer." Leah said, popping her head out of the tent and tossing the undergarments to Henry's girlfriend.

"Take those to my tent, would you?" She asked with a wink. The other woman mouthed the words thank you before scurrying off to her own tent.

The General looked suspicious, and he tried to call Leah out on her lie.

"So there's absolutely nothing going on between you and the Colonel?" He asked her.

"Absolutely nothing. I would never be with a married man. Scouts honour." She said, holding up three fingers in the traditional salute. "Radar, you should probably mail those back to Mrs. Blake, before she runs out again." Leah said, motioning to the bras Radar was holding.

"Yes ma'am." Radar said, snapping a salute before running out of the tent to return the garments to their proper owner.

"Well, uh, I'd like to go over to the hospital and visit the boy, if you don't mind." The General said, trying to get past the awkward tension that had settled in the room.

"Oh, yes Sir. Of course Sir." Henry said. As the tow men turned to leave, the General's companion returned with a heavy-looking box full of bottles.

"Here's a little token of my appreciation." The General said as the other man set the box down on Henry's cot. "That's twelve-year-old scotch."

"That's very generous, General." Henry said, managing to get one leg into his pants before the General turned back towards him.

"Goes down real smooth." The General said fondly.

"Well at that age it should know the way." Henry tried to joke.

The two men left the tent, after Henry finally managed to get his pants up.

"Look uh, Colonel. I need you to be honest with me. You aren't fooling around with that young woman, are you?" The General said as they made their way over to Post-OP.

"To be honest, Sir, she's more of a daughter to me than anything else. I feel the same way about her as I feel about my little girls back home." Henry said, finally putting a name towards his feelings for Leah. It was true he found her to be a wonderful and beautiful person, but he could appreciate her beauty without wanting to get her out of her clothes.

* * *

"Vital signs?" Frank asked Margaret. The two were on Post-Op duty and they were currently at Private Mitchell's bedside.

"Blood pressure: 130 over 80. Pulse: 92." Margaret said, looking down at the young Paratrooper's file.

"Continue with the IV." Frank said, looking at the man's chart.

"Yes Doctor," Margaret said with a smile as Colonel Blake entered the recovery ward with General Mitchell.

"Frank, here comes the General." Margaret whispered, checking her hair.

"How do I look?" He whispered back.

"Straighten up." Margaret suggested as she tucked a few flyaway strands of hair behind her ear.

"Yes Doctor, we're continuing the IVs as ordered." Margaret announced as the General came within ear shot. The elderly man bent over next to his son and brushed the brown hair off of his son's forehead.

"Uh, General Mitchell, this is Major Houlihan and Major Burns." Henry introduced, trying to be useful.

"Doctor, I wanna thank you for operating on my son." The man said, shaking Frank's hand.

"Uh, well, sir, I-" Frank stuttered. Sensing disaster, Henry cut in.

"Well, the major didn't actually operate in the sense that he operated, more or less, his participation took the form of offering to assist the surgeon who was assisting the surgeon who did the operation without the further need of assistance." Henry said, not realizing how stupid he sounded.

"Major Burns wanted to be free to supervise." Margaret cut in, immediately on damage control.

"Supervision is key in an important operation." Frank began with Margaret backing him up. "Somebody has to be there to say, _'How's everything going men?'_ ".

"It obviously went well." The General said, hoping the two Majors old shut up or stop sucking up.

"Your son deserves a great deal of the credit, General." Margaret was quick to agree.

"That's the truth. He came through it like a trouper. Or rather a paratrooper in this case." Henry said, looking at the Private fondly.

"Yes, we're all proud of him and the way he laid there." Frank said, desperate to get on the General's good side.

"I'm indebted to all of you. I would like to meet the doctors who performed the operation." General Mitchell said, turning away from Frank and back towards Henry.

"Oh, that would be Captains Pierce and Watson. Pierce is the best doctor in the whole darn shootin' match. And you've met Captain Watson."

"Well, Captains, name it." General Mitchell said to Hawkeye and Leah ten minutes later in the Swamp.

"Name what, sir?" Henry asked.

"The General wants to reward our effort." Hawkeye said, smirking over at Trapper and Leah.

"The Captain's quick at catching my drift." General Mitchell said, his blue eyes shining.

"I played left drift in high school." Hawkeye quipped.

"I'd like to say thank you in some substantial way." The General insisted.

"How 'bout surrendering so we can all go home?" Leah asked hopefully.

"At least call the war a draw." Trapper added from his spot beside Leah.

"Oh General, I think your offer is more than enough." Henry said as he sent a warning glance at his three Captains.

"No, no!" The General disagreed.

"I agree. His offer is less than enough." Trapper said, looking over Leah's shoulder at Henry.

"Don't be so modest with our greed, Henry." Leah said to the man.

"How about three days in Tokyo?" Hawkeye suggested.

"With three nights to go along with it." Trapper added.

"I think a suite at the Imperial Hotel sounds good, don't you boys?" Leah suggested, looking between the two men.

"With a _please disturb_ sign on the door." Hawkeye added. The General looked at the three Captain in amusement.

"You got it." He said as the other three jumped up in celebration.

"You will wear trousers in Tokyo?" The General asked Hawkeye as he stood at the door. The surgeon looked down and realized that he wasn't wearing pants, just his boxers.

"At least until we check in." Hawkeye said with a smirk.

* * *

 _"Why don't we go down for some dinner? I heard General MacArthur's in town, and I would love to see the man who assigned me to our wonderful slice of Hell." Leah suggested with a smirk as she stepped out of the piping hot shower, pulling on a fresh pair of panties and a dress designed so that she wouldn't need a bra._

 _"That sounds like a wonderful idea, Miss Watson." Hawkeye said, throwing on one of his Hawaiian print shirts. Trapper walked into the room with a local on his arm as they were heading out the door. His eyes immediately went to Leah's chest, where her breasts were practically jumping out of the dress she wore._

 _"Dinner time?" He asked, spinning his date right around as the three Captains headed out to paint the town pink._

* * *

"What? Oh, wait. Hold on, he just walked in." Radar said barely twelve hours after the three doctors left their hotel room. The M.A.S.H unit had received a call from the hotel manager to discuss the behaviour of the three Captains.

"Telephone, sir." Radar said as he passed the phone off to Henry.

"Hi there, how are you today?" Henry greeted cheerfully. He covered the phone with his hand and turned to Radar. "Who am I talking to?" He asked.

"Mr. Yurkuri. He runs the Imperial Hotel." Radar said.

"Yes sir, what can I do for you?" Henry asked, afraid of where the conversation was going.

"When…Last night? In the main dining room?" Henry asked, before covering the receiver with his hand again and turning to Radar.

"Pierce and McIntyre sent a case of pipe cleaners and pineapple to MacArthur's table." He said in disbelief. Even Radar looked shocked.

"Sir, I can guarantee you the men will be severely reprimanded the minute-" Henry began, only to be cut off again.

"She did what? Are you sure that…No sir, I would never call you a liar, but…I understand sir." Henry said, covering the phone again.

"Leah was juggling little jade Buddha statues while singing God Save the Queen." Radar's eyes widened behind his glasses as Henry placed the phone back by his ear.

"Like I said, Sir, those three will be severely reprimanded as soon as…what? When? 4 o'clock in the morning? Yes sir, I'll grant you, that's a little out of line." Henry said, his eyes showing lots of worry.

"What sir?" Radar asked.

"Rickshaw races in the lobby and baseball on the roof." Henry said in disbelief.

"What is your name Sir? Yoger – Yog – Everett, is it? Everett let me get back to you."

* * *

 _"Hey!" Leah said suddenly, looking at the other occupants of the natural hot spring. Trapper, Hawkeye and four locals looked at her._

 _"Let's go get some sushi." She said, beginning to get out of the water, drawing attention to her wet-tank-top covered chest and drenched underwear._

 _"I know a great place, near a pearl-diving school." One of the local girls said._

 _"That sounds even better! Leah, what would you say to a new pearl necklace?" Hawkeye asked. She just smirked at him and whispered in his ear._

 _"That decides it, let's go." He announced mere seconds later._

* * *

"If you'll just tell me, ma'am, how many of the girls are missing, maybe I can help you. Half the graduating class of your pearl diving school?" Henry asked tiredly from the desk in Post-Op.

"So let me get this straight, you saw them leaving with a curvy red-head to go do what?" Henry asked again a moment later.

"Are you sure she was a red-head?" Henry asked hopefully.

"No, ma'am, I'm sure your girls will be fine. They won't be gone for very long at all, as long as they didn't leave with two other American doctors." Henry tried to placate the woman, but his face dropped.

"They did, and you saw what? They had a life-sized chess piece and a crate of fish-food with them?"

* * *

 _"Marco?" Hawkeye asked as he wandered around in the water, trying to find someone._

 _"Polo!" The pearl diving class responded. They had decided to go to the Fujikowa bathhouse, so a buck-naked Hawkeye was wandering around blindfolded in the water, trying to catch the equally naked and illusive pearl divers._

 _Trapper and Leah were nearby, happily throwing balls of dye in the water, turning all of the unfortunate bathers purple and yellow._

* * *

"What did they do now, Radar?" Henry asked as the Clerk entered his tent during the middle of his nap.

"It's the Fujikowa bathhouse in Tokyo. They report that Captains Pierce and McIntyre were bobbing for Captain Watson's breasts." Radar said.

"Thank you, Radar."

* * *

After three blurry days in Tokyo, leaving the city much worse for wear, Hawkeye, Trapper and Leah returned, each with ugly Hawaiian patterned shirts on, and Leah was sporting a new pair of pearl earrings, a pearl bracelet and necklace, as well as a few jade and pearl rings.

As the three drove into camp, they were quickly greeted by an enlisted soldier.

"Ah, home at last. It's good to get away, but it's lousy to get back." Hawkeye said as he got out of the jeep.

"Jennings, put the bags in our suite, have the jeep washed and take the rest of the war off." Leah said, tossing the keys to the young soldier.

"What's that?" Trapper asked, gesturing to the large new building.

"An officer's club" Frank said smugly. "While you three were wallowing in the fleshpots of Tokyo, I arranged for that with General Mitchell."

"Terrific!" Leah said. She could already taste the scotch and hear the music.

"And you wanted to write him out of your will." Hawkeye sassed. The three Captains were followed into the Officer's club by Frank, who still looked very proud of himself.

"Frank looks like he's about to burst with pride." Hawkeye muttered to Leah as Trapper tested out the slot machines against the wall of the club closest to the door.

"He's got the same proud look on his face that my brother had when he managed to teach his cat how to use the toilet." Leah said back to him.

"Slot machines, jukebox. It's done in early kickback." Trapper said, moving over to his two friends.

"Now there's a general who really knows how to pay his medical bill." Hawkeye said, looking over to the decently stocked bar.

The rest of the conversation was cut off as the three surgeons heard hammering coming from outside the building. The three left the building and looked up to Radar, who had just finished hammering a sign over the door. Leah glared when she saw that it read officers only.

"Orders, sirs." Radar said before grabbing his ladder and walking off in a huff.

"What do you think of that?" Trapper asked the other two Captains.

"You leave the place three days and it turns into an Army Camp." Hawkeye said as Frank walked over to the doorway with a smug smirk on his face. Leah gave him a glare that clearly said she wanted to slap the stupid look off of his face before the three Captains walked off.

* * *

The next day at lunch, Trapper and Hawkeye went to the mess tent while Leah took off to go see Private Mitchell.

"So, Private, do you think you're up to eating a bit of solid food?" She asked as she helped him to sit up.

"I can try." He said, looking at the beautiful woman. He wasn't sure who she was, but he was fairly sure he had seen her around somewhere.

"That's the spirit, although don't overdo it. Too much of this stuff'll kill you faster than the war will." Leah said, handing him a tray of food.

"What's the brown stuff?" Private Mitchell asked, poking it with a fork. Leah looked at it carefully before answering.

"Either liquified steak or chocolate pudding with gristle."

"Whatever it is, it tastes like dirt." Private Mitchell said, grimacing at the taste.

"I try to stick to things like the potatoes. They're bland, but you at least know what they are." Leah suggested as she took a seat next to his bed with his chart in her hands.

"Your blood pressure's getting better, and your lungs sound clear." She said before putting the clipboard down. "Now tell me, how many people start sucking up to you the second they find out that your daddy's a General?" She asked.

"Far too many. You're the only person so far who hasn't looked at me as though I'm some ticket to getting whatever they want." He said after swallowing a bit of potato.

"Don't worry, as soon as the war is over you can go back to the states and just be you, with no interference from your father." Leah said with a smile, offering him a salt shaker.

"Not likely. He wants me to stay in the Army and go through the ranks. My grandfather was a general, then there's my father the general, and they both want me to be one too." The Private said dejectedly.

"I wouldn't worry about it, hon. I'm sure your father will see things your way by the end of the war. And if not, I'll fly out to whatever base he's at and kick his wrinkled, old ass into gear." Leah said.

"You would really do that?" The Private asked, seeing the serious look on Leah's face.

"Trust me, I have lots of experience dealing with headstrong men with power. I work with Major Frank burns after all." She said with a smile.

"He's that beady eyed Doctor, right? The one that looks a little like a rodent?"

"That's him." She agreed.

"Is he a homosexual? He kept staring at me like he was in love with me, and it made me very uncomfortable."

"Frank? No, he's married to some poor woman back in the States, and he's cheating on her with the head of the nursing staff, Major Margaret Houlihan."

"How the hell does an idiot like that get two women?"

"Honestly? I have no idea. I wouldn't go near him with a ten-foot pole. It's bad enough I have to share a tent with the guy."

"Why do you share a tent with him? I thought all the nurses share a tent?"

"They do, but I'm a surgeon. Actually, I'm one of the surgeons that operated on you."

"I've never heard of a lady doctor."

"I know, we're a rare breed, and going into extinction because of sexist idiots like Frank. Did you know that during your surgery, he tried to order me away from you while I was operating simply because he thought that as a man, he had more of a right to operate on you than I did?"

"What the hell is wrong with him, if you had stepped away, something could have gone wrong!" The Private said angrily.

"Yeah, apparently a female surgeon at the top of her class isn't as good as a male one who flunked out of two different medical programs." Leah said in a huff.

The Private looked at her in shock, but before he could say anything, Hawkeye and Trapper burst into the room.

"Leah, sign this." Hawkeye said, thrusting a paper towards her.

"What is this?" She asked, looking around for a pen.

"A petition to let enlisted men into the officers club." Trapper explained as he handed her a pen. Leah quickly signed her name under Hawkeye and Trappers before handing the man his pen.

"Tell you what, Leah. You go with Hawk and try to get more signatures, I'll cover your shift here." Trapper suggested, knowing that most of the male officers would sign the petition is Leah was asking.

"Are you sure?" She asked, getting op and collecting the Private's tray.

"Yeah, you go get the sheet filled. We need at least another seven signatures before Henry'll consider it." Trapper said.

"Well then, I guess I'll see you later, Private Mitchell."

"It's Gary, ma'am." He said.

"Why is it everybody in this goddamn camp either calls me ma'am or kid? Is there no middle ground?" Leah asked as she left with Hawkeye. Trapper just smiled at her retreating form.

* * *

Frank looked at the bartender blankly as the man mixed his drink.

"Here you are, Major. One Shirley Temple." The bartender said as he poured the drink into a glass with a little umbrella and an orange wedge.

"I've been looking forward to this all day." Frank said as he looked at the drink, almost as though he was in pain.

"That's very good, um," Frank said, trying to think of the bartender's name.

"Kwang Duk, sir." The Korean man said with a fake smile.

"That's a cute name," Frank said, sounding condescending.

"We're a cute people." The man said back in the same tone.

"Hi soldier," Margaret whispered as she walked up to the bar. "All alone?"

"What'll you have, my dear?" Frank said as he quickly pulled his hat off.

"A scotch old-fashioned," She said before turning to Kwang Duk. "Without the fruit please."

"One scotch old-fashioned, hold the garbage." The man repeated.

"We'll be at our table." Frank said rudely before grabbing his Shirley Temple and leading Margaret over to a table near the corner of the Club. He pulled out a chair for her and waited for her to sit down.

"Thank you, Major." She said, sending him a flirtatious look.

"Pretzels? Peanuts?" Frank asked, pushing the brown in front of his mistress.

"Frank, you're a different person when we go out." She Sid. Frank's face twisted into the dumbest looking smile. The young bartender made his way over to the table, placing Margaret's drink in front of her.

"Thank you, Kwang, put that on my tab." Frank said. "And add five percent for yourself."

"Thank you, sir," He said, his fake smile not leaving his face. He made a mental note to spit in Frank's next Shirley Temple.

"To the best nurse I've ever known." Frank said, raising his glass in a toast to Margaret as soon as Kwang had left the table.

Margaret chuckled softly. "You devil,"

"Hi gang!" Hawkeye said, walking over in his red robe, followed by Leah in her hospital coat, and a tank top tucked into her skirt, which flowed loosely down to her knees.

"We would have been here sooner, but Spanky here got a flat." Leah teased, jerking her thumb in Hawkeye's direction. They waltzed right up to Frank and Margaret's table and sat down. Hawkeye was even a gentleman and pulled out Leah's chair for her.

"Oh, do join us." Frank said sarcastically as Leah helped herself to a pretzel.

"Innkeeper?" Hawkeye asked. Kwang Duk looked up and over to the Captain.

"Yes Sir?" He asked, liking Hawkeye's laid-back mood much more than Frank's uptight, holier-than-though mood.

"Two very dry martinis for me and the lady here. And Margaret what is that? An old-fashioned?" Hawkeye ordered.

"Yes, without fruit." Margaret confirmed politely.

"Frank?" Hawkeye asked.

"He knows what I'm drinking." Frank said, not wanting to admit to having such a childish drink. After all, it only existed because Shirley Temple couldn't drink when she went to parties.

"Another Shirley Temple." Kwang Duk said, unimpressed. Hawkeye and Leah looked at each other before they burst out laughing.

"My little nephew drinks those out of his sippy cup!" Leah said.

"With a Jane Withers chaser." Hawkeye joked.

"Easy Frank, you're operating later." Leah joked

"Listen you two bozos," Frank said. "The major and I were having a quiet drink together, and I'd appreciate it if you'd amscray." Leah chuckled as Hawkeye got up, holding his hand out to Margaret.

"Margaret, let me dance my way into your heart." He didn't let her answer before pulling her up and moving towards the dance floor.

"Now just a minute!" Frank said, getting up to try to stop the Captain.

"Relax Frank, I'll get to you in a minute." Hawkeye said as he spun off with Margaret.

"Where does he get off-"Frank began, but Leah pulled him down into the chair next to her.

"Frank, I want you to sign this petition to let enlisted men into the club." She said, pulling out the paper and unfolding it in front of him.

"Are you goofy?" Frank snapped.

"Of course not, Frank. I'm Minnie." Leah said. Across the club, Hawkeye wasn't having any more luck than Leah was.

"Must we dance so close?" Margaret asked as she created a little more distance between herself and the surgeon.

"I do, it's a muscular problem." Hawkeye said, continuing to lead Margaret around the dance floor. "If I don't rub thighs with someone every four hours, I get the bends."

"Keep your distance." Margaret warned.

"Margaret?" Hawkeye asked after a moment of silence.

"Yes?" She asked.

"We've got a petition to let enlisted men in the club." Hawkeye said.

"Forget it." Margaret snapped.

"Sign it Margaret." Hawkeye tried to demand. "I'm warning you, my legs are loaded."

"What's he doing?" Frank asked suspiciously.

"Nothing to worry about, Frank. You can still see some light between them. Now sign the petition, please." Leah said, tapping the paper.

"Fat chance, bub." Frank snapped, looking back over to Margaret and Hawkeye. He finally got fed up and stormed over to where Hawkeye and Margaret were dancing, leaving Leah alone with her martini and Frank's Shirley Temple. She glared at the man before pouring her drink into his glass and swirling the liquids together.

"Margaret, if you don't sign the papers I'll give you a dip your coccyx will never forget." Hawkeye tried to threaten.

"Excuse me," Frank said, cutting in before Hawkeye had the chance to object. "Big shot, I'll finish this dance."

"Well, I guess the best worm won, you big lug." Hawkeye said before going back to his seat.

"Any luck?" he asked Leah.

"Frank wouldn't sign his own stay of execution." She said, popping the olive from her glass into her mouth. "How'd you do with her?"

"Fantastic, but she wouldn't sign." Hawkeye said with a sigh. "I don't suppose you'd like to finish this dance?" Hawkeye asked, taking a sip of his martini.

"You know what? I think I would like to finish it." Leah said, placing her hand in Hawkeye's and letting him lead her out onto the dance floor.

* * *

"How're you doing, tiger?" Leah asked Private Mitchell as she and Hawkeye went back to the Post-Op ward.

"A whole lot better, Doc." He said honestly, smiling at the female doctor.

"As someone who's seen your inside, I can tell you that your outside looks great." Hawkeye said, checking on his patient for the first time since he returned from Tokyo. "Klinger,"

"Yes sir?" The Corporal said as he turned around and saluted the Captains. Today's outfit for the man was a traditional nurse's uniform.

"Discontinue the IVs and start him on a soft-food diet." Hawkeye said.

"Yes sir, will do sir." Klinger said.

"Attention all officers, General Maynard Mitchell will officially open the officer's club at 2100 hours the enlisted personnel, there will be a special screening in the mess tent of an animated VD cartoon, Hansel and Regretel." A man on the PA system announced.

"2100 hours, huh?" Hawkeye said.

"That's 9 o'clock in people time." Leah said, getting a smile form those around her.

"Maybe we can work something out." Hawkeye said. "Ok, you've got your orders." The man said to the lingering Colonel.

"Yes sir, right away sir." Klinger said as he walked off, his high heeled shoes clicking against the wooden floor.

"Cut that out, or I'll snap your garter belt." Leah said.

* * *

At exactly 2100 hours, Trapper, Leah and Hawkeye made their appearance in the officer's club. Someone had picked a swing jazz song in the jukebox, so the mood was light and festive. Colonel Blake was at the bar, trying to explain the drink he wanted, only to find out they had none of the ingredients.

"Major, Major, Colonel, Captain, Captain," Each of the Captains took turns greeting as they met up with Margaret, Frank and Henry.

"Well, I for one am impressed." Margaret said, looking the three over from top to bottom. "Dress uniforms, and you even shaved."

"Well if you could, it was the least we could do." Trapper said as Hawkeye went to the bar to order some drinks.

"Kwang?" He asked, not seeing the Korean man. The man popped up from behind the bar, ready to serve the only people in the building that he actually liked.

"Two martinis please, painfully dry. And a rye and ginger for the lady." Hawkeye ordered.

"Yes sir." Kwang said, moving to get the drinks.

"Ten hut!" An officer by the door said, calling everyone to attention.

"As you were, people." General Mitchell said as he entered the club.

"General Mitchell," Colonel Blake greeted with a handshake.

"Colonel," The man greeted back.

"It's both an honour and a privilege and a pleasure to welcome you to that which only though your magnanimous generosity are we able to be standing in the middle of it." Henry said, taking a sip of his beer.

"How wonderfully eloquent, Colonel." Leah said sarcastically.

"That's the least I could do," The General said, only to be interrupted by Frank.

"General, I believe you remember me." Frank said, grabbing the man's hand.

"Oh yes, of course." The General said. After all, you don't forger a nutcase like Frank Burns.

"I'm the uh, backup surgeon who supervised the possible assistance, if not the actual operation of your son." Frank said, continuing his planned speech.

"I see, yes." The General said, eager to move away from Frank, which unfortunately brought him straight to Margaret.

"Major Houlihan, in charge of nursing." She introduced herself with a firm handshake.

"Yes, I can believe that." The General said, looking at Margaret's chest.

"And I'm Captain Pierce, the African Explorer." Hawkeye cut in, saving Margaret from the old man's gaze.

"I understand the boy's doing very well, Captain." General Mitchell said after releasing Hawkeye's hand.

"Well, I've been giving him around-the-clock attention, sir." Frank cut in, trying to force himself into the conversation.

"But he's getting better anyways." Leah cut in, shaking the General's hand. "Captain Watson. I assisted Hawkeye in your son's operation."

"Wait a minute, you two were at that press conference, looking for an incubator." The General said in recognition.

"We were indeed. And we had to trade our barbecue for one." Leah confirmed with a cheeky smile.

"I'd like to get over to the hospital to see my son after the party, if it's alright with you, Captains." The General said.

"General?" Henry asked, calling the man's attention back. "Would you like to have a little drink, to sort of baptize the bar?"

"We were counting on you to throw out the first drunk." Hawkeye joked.

"Well, uh," The General began before turning towards the bar. "Yes, of course."

"Let me have a rye." The General said to Kwang as the short bartender handed Hawkeye the martinis and Leah her rye and ginger.

"A rye and what, sir?" Kwang asked.

"Rye and don't stop bringing it." The General joked.

"Yes sir." Kwang said, happy that not everyone was stuck up.

"Mr. General sir? I found something I believe belongs to you." Trapper said, helping Private Mitchell through the door.

"Gary!" The General greeted happily.

"Hi, Dad. I'd salute, but I might fall on my face." The young enlisted man said with a smile.

"You walked up here on your own, huh?" The old man asked.

"Well, I had a little help." Gary said, motioning to Trapper and another officer.

"Come on, I'll buy you a drink." The general said, holding his son's arm to help support him.

"General, I'm sorry." Hawkeye said, stopping the Mitchell's from going any farther. "Perhaps you don't realize it, but your wife gave birth to an enlisted man. And it is officers only."

"Pierce, I'd like to talk to you about your possible execution." Henry said in a false sweet voice.

"I wonder if I could say something useful." Frank cut in quickly.

"I wonder if you can too." Leah said, popping up and latching herself onto the Private's other arm.

"General Mitchell gave us this club, and I think, fair man that he is, he's entitled to hold it over our heads.

"Hear hear." Margaret agreed.

"No, no!" General Mitchell said. "Pierce has a point. The custom is, officers only."

"Well, perhaps we should stretch that point, General. Make an exception for relatives." Hawkeye suggested. General Mitchell turned to Colonel Blake.

"What do you say, Blake? This is your outfit."

"Oh, well uh, my mind is wide open sir, to whatever you think." Henry said.

"Come on." The General said to his son. Leah and Trapper helped the man over to the bar, but Leah's instinct as a doctor wouldn't let her go without giving a few orders.

"No booze for you. You're still convalescing." She said. Hawkeye made his way to the doorway and gathered everyone's attention.

"Now that we've established a policy, there are a few relatives of my own I'd like to bring in." He said, standing aside to let the enlisted men in one at a time.

"Corporal O'Reilly, who's been like a son to me. Corporal Klinger, who's been like a daughter. Here's the rest of my little family." Hawkeye said as Trapper and Leah began humming _Battle Hymn of the Republic_. "Cousin Fred, my brother in law, Leroy. My cousin Phil." Hawkeye continued as everyone joined in humming. "My second cousin on my mother's side, Ed. Bill, my mother's cousin's brother. Sam, my cousin's brother's mother." He continued, until all the enlisted personnel were packed into the club.

* * *

At about three in the morning, the party had dwindled down to just a few people. Radar and nurse Kelley were clumsily dancing around while Henry and some drunk nurse were swaying around. Leah and Private Mitchell were slowly spinning in time with the music, Leah resting her head on his shoulder with Gary trying to stay on his feet, silently thanking God that Leah was strong enough to support both of them but subtle enough that it didn't look that way. Margaret and General Mitchell we're slow dancing as well, holding each other close.

Hawkeye and Trapper had been slipping the contents of their martinis into Frank's Shirley Temples, so while the two of them only had a slight buzz, Frank was completely hammered.

"I don't care if he is a General," Frank slurred, sweat dripping down his forehead and into his wide, beady eyes. "That's too close." He looked over to Hawkeye, hoping for some support. Trapper quickly slipped the contents of his martini glass into Frank's supposedly non-alcoholic drink.

"Why don't you have some more of your Shirley Temple, Frank?" Hawkeye suggested.

"Right," Frank said, taking a large swig of the drink. "I'm gonna pinch him in the nose." Frank decided as he watched General Mitchell's hand slide down Margaret's back, resting it on her hip.

"Oh, go get him Frank." Trapper encouraged.

"Right. First, I think I'll have a little faint." Frank slurred as he slumped to the ground unconscious.

 **Author's note:**

 **I would like to point out that I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals, and I hate discrimination in general. However, this story takes place during the 1950s, and unfortunately, people were very closed-minded towards such things at that point in time. That is the only reason I included the little bit about Frank's apparent love for Private Mitchell. It killed me a little on the inside to write that, but I honestly think that it helps to make the story more believable.**

 **-Smurfette 81013**

Updated 03/19/2018


	5. For Want of a Boot

**2:17 – For Want of a Boot**

Winter in Korea was knocking on the door of the 4077th M.A.S.H. Fortunately for Leah, she had her leather boots from home and some nice thick socks to go in the toes so that hers' didn't freeze. She had been at the 4077th so long that she was getting used to sending home for things that she would normally have easy access to. She was also good friends with Corporal Max Klinger, who always had extra scarves, gloves, hats, colourful coats and catalogues.

Unfortunately, Hawkeye wasn't nearly as well prepared. His boots had worn out to the point where he had a hole three inches across in one. He couldn't ask Leah to work her magic and help him get a new pair either, since she was at the 8063rd helping to relieve some of the pressure they were under. He was just coming off of Post Op duty when she saw Radar and a few other enlisted men pulling supplies out of a loaded truck.

"What do you got there, Radar?" He asked, holding his jacket closed and wishing desperately that his new boots were there.

"Oh, it's probably a mistake." The young Corporal responded, hurriedly scribbling something down on his clipboard. "We've got five thousand diapers and five thousand rubber pants." The Clerk elaborated.

"Well, you're all set for winter." Hawkeye said in disappointment.

"Uh huh," Radar said, ignoring the insult in favour of trying to keep warm and finishing his work. Hawkeye made his way back to the Swamp as quickly as he could in his horrible boots. Trapper was huddled up in a sleeping bag, trying to keep warm by guzzling coffee, not that the stuff was warm.

"I'd give ten bucks for this war to be over." Hawkeye as he sat down on his cot, relieving his poor aching feet from the pressure his boots put them under.

"Put me down for ten." Trapper said, fidgeting in front of the fire.

"Twenty dollars. How could they turn that down?" Hawkeye asked. "Thirty if Leah wants in."

"We could even do 35, but don't tell them that in the beginning." Trapper joked along.

"Hey, two months ago, not too long before Leah showed up, I ordered new boots. I made it easy. I said, 'New boots or let me go back to my old shoe store in Vermont'." Hawkeye said, showing Trapper the hole in one of his boots.

"Sounds reasonable," Trapper said, not really paying attention.

"I even offered to let them resolve my foot." Hawkeye said before getting up and pacing around the tent in his socks.

"Two months waiting. I could've had almost a quarter of a baby by now." Hawkeye said.

"Well, Leah could've had almost a quarter of your baby by now." Trapper said, before realizing what had just come out of his mouth.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Hawkeye demanded, turning around and glaring at his friend.

"I just mean that with the way you've been eyeing her, everybody's shocked that you didn't make a move on her when you first met her." Trapper said,

"And if you did make a move, she could very well be almost two months along. Think about it Hawk, we live in the same tent as her, and she's never woken us up complaining about cramps, her temper doesn't seem to follow any sort of schedule and I've seen her clothes lying around. There's never a single stain. Hawk, she could very well be pregnant." Trapper said. He really was worried for Leah. After all, if she was pregnant, it would have to be from after she left Basic Training.

"Trapper, I've never made a move on Leah because of this whole situation. We're tent-mates! Don't you think it would be awkward if the relationship were to end badly?" Hawkeye asked, still frantically pacing.

"But that doesn't mean she's not pregnant, just that the kid isn't yours. You seem to forget that there's ten men for every woman in this camp Hawk."

"And you seem to forget that Leah spends every waking hour with one of us, Klinger or Radar. Oh good God, it might be Klinger or Radar!" Hawkeye said with a sudden wave of rage. The idea that someone might have knocked Leah up made Hawkeye see red. Partly because she hadn't been careful enough to prevent it, but also because she hadn't confided in them. (Hawkeye chose to ignore the jealousy that was beginning to bloom in his chest.)

"Hawkeye, relax. She's been playing matchmaker for Radar, and she's Klinger's living mannequin."

"What about that General's son, Private Mitchell?" Hawkeye asked, running over to Leah's foot locker. "She seemed pretty close to him, and they were certainly alone long enough." Hawkeye said, digging around.

"Hawk, he was her patient, she knows better than to seduce the people under her care." Trapper said.

"Trapper, she's a grown woman a long ways from home, now help me look for letters. She would have told him if she thinks she's pregnant." Hawkeye argued.

"Exactly! She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions!" Trapper defended his friend. Then Hawkeye paused, having found a small cardboard box. He stared at it with wide eyes before turning to Trapper.

"What is that, pregnancy tests?" Trapper asked, leaning closer to the foot locker. Hawkeye just turned the box towards Trapper, feeling absolutely ridiculous.

"Tampax?" Trapper read. "What's that?"

"They're tampons, Trapper! That's why there are no stains! God almighty, we're such idiots!" Hawkeye said, throwing the box back into the trunk and closing the lid.

"Well that explains a lot." Trapper muttered, looking at Leah's trunk curiously.

"It means that she's not pregnant! She won't be discharged for having a baby!" Hawkeye said happily, spinning right into his boots and falling down face first onto the floor. This of course, brought his attention back to the large hole in the bottom of his boot.

He began searching around for something that would cover the hole, which brought him over to the collection of cards pinned to the wooden support beam in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" He asked Trapper.

"Frank's birthday." Trapper said, taking another sip of his coffee.

"I wonder how old he is." Hawkeye said as he unpinned the sturdiest looking card. "Why don't we saw him in half tonight and count his rings?" Hawkeye suggested as he sat down on his cot to read the card.

"To my darling husband, on the day of your birth, you made a heaven for me on Earth." Hawkeye read aloud, completely unimpressed at the woman's blindness to Frank's stupidity.

"She should have seen Mr. Heaven on Earth in surgery yesterday, putting a nurse on report for giving him the instrument that he asked for." Trapper said, just as unimpressed, but still feeling like an idiot for thinking that Leah could be pregnant.

"Thank you, Mrs. Burns, from the bottom of my foot." Hawkeye said, placing the card in his shoe to act as a barrier between the ground and his foot. It was then that Frank opened the door, bundled up in the most winter gear he could put on.

"Hi Frank," The two competent surgeons greeted.

"That supposed to be clever?" Frank asked, looking at them suspiciously.

"Happy birthday, Frank." Trapper said, his voice sounding odd from the cold.

"And many more, bunnies." Hawkeye added, shoving his foot into his boot and doing up the laces. "We were gonna buy you something, but we couldn't get to the 5-and-10-yen store." Hawkeye said as he looked up at the man.

"Buy me something?" Frank asked as Hawkeye made himself comfortable. "You guys are so full of prunes." Frank added as he pulled some hot water bottles from his jacket.

"Now I know what to get you, an electric bra." Hawkeye's joked, keeping his face as serious as he could.

"We could get one for Leah while we're at it." Trapper suggested.

"Are you kidding?" Hawkeye asked as he turned back to his friend. "I've had the pleasure of using those wonderful gifts from God as a pillow. They're like little furnaces."

Frank was about to give them a verbal lashing when he looked over to the beam and saw a missing card.

"That tears it! Where is it?" He exclaimed. "What filthy whatever have you done with my wife's birthday card?" he demanded, his eyes full of panic and his face turning red. Hawkeye couldn't help but notice that it was almost the same shade as Leah's hair.

"I don't know how to tell you this Frank, but your wife's birthday card is having a thing with my right foot." Hawkeye said, showing Frank the boot's patch job.

"That's it! I want that card out of your boot pronto! And that's an order!" Frank said after he picked his jaw up off of the floor.

"You better do what he says." Trapper said with a small smirk. "He could revoke your feet."

"How much do you want for your boots?" Hawkeye asked Frank as he took the card out of his boot.

"What?" Frank asked, waiting impatiently for the card.

"I'll give you 50 dollars and the Ten Commandments in pig Latin." Hawkeye said, holding the card out to the man.

"Go peddle your papers!" Frank said, snatching the card back.

Trapper zipped himself into his sleeping bag completely while Hawkeye looked at the hole in his boot dejectedly.

"There's only one thing left to do Hawk." Trapper said from inside the sleeping bag. "I think we should go lean on the supply Sergeant."

"Very good advice, from a man who zipped his fly to new heights." Hawkeye said as Trapper turned towards his fellow surgeon.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the two surgeons were in the supply room, waiting as a man flipped through a binder full of order forms.

"I got you in here Doc. I know, I remember." The man said as he flipped through months of order forms.

"10 1/2 –C boot." Hawkeye said, reminding the man what he wanted for the fourth time.

"Right, 10 ½-Charlie." The Sergeant repeated, looking back through another month worth of order forms.

"Here we are. Right next to Captain Milligan's truss." The man said after a moment.

"He never got it, he was shipped home weeks ago." Trapper said tiredly.

"I hope he had somebody carry his bags for him." He said before turning back to Hawkeye. "You want the truss if it comes in?"

"If it's a 10 ½-C." Hawkeye said. "Sergeant Zale, I'm a doctor. I've been operating for a week standing on one foot. I'm warning you, you're looking at a desperate flamingo." Hawkeye snapped. He threw his foot up onto the counter and gestured to the bottom of his foot.

"You see that hole?" He asked the Sergeant.

"So?" The man snapped back.

"I find it a little mind-boggling that I can't get a 10 ½-C boot." Hawkeye said, raising his voice in his frustration.

"You want to see a 10 1/2 –C hole? Look at this." Sergeant Zale said before opening his mouth and showing the surgeons his teeth. "For weeks I've been asking the dentist to fix this and he's too busy."

Hawkeye took another look in the other man's moth before twisting his head over for Trapper to take another look. "What do you think?" He asked as Trapper took a small flashlight out of his pocket.

"That's a hole." Trapper confirmed.

"Unfortunately, we're not dentists." Hawkeye said after one last look into the Sergeant's mouth. "But your tonsils don't look too good."

"Let's snip 'em out." Trapper said.

"No chance! I need them to chew with." Zale said, putting the binder back.

"Sergeant, if we can arrange your dental work, you think you just might be able to expedite the 10 1/2 -Charlie's?" Hawkeye asked, hoping that he could talk some sense into the dentist.

"You get me a 20/20 mouth and I'll find you a pair of boots so fast it'll make your feet swim." Sergeant Zale said before shooing the two men out of the Supply tent.

"Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at 0900 hours." A voice rang out through the PA system. Hawkeye saw Igor, one of the men from the kitchen, pushing a cart in the direction he needed and jumped on so that he wouldn't make his boots any worse while the man on the PA finished his announcement. "Any nurse wishing to be the bride, please contact the Captain. No experience necessary."

* * *

"Klinger, stop fidgeting." The dentist ordered as he tried to work on the Corporal's teeth. "Sit back."

"It hurts my head." Klinger complained.

"May I ask why you're wearing curlers?" The dentist asked, looking at his patient with exasperation.

"I'm going on guard duty tonight." Klinger explained, still not putting his head back.

"Klinger, when are you going to wise up?" The dentist asked, trying to get back to work. "You've been trying to get out of the army for six months now by wearing dresses. What's it gotten you?"

"Two proposals and a hurt letter from a peeping Tom." Klinger said, still not co-operating.

"Who was it?" The dentist asked with genuine interest.

"I don't undress and tell." Klinger said, looking grateful when Doctors Pierce and McIntyre walked in unannounced.

"Pierce, McIntyre." The dentist greeted, trying to force Klinger's head back.

"Konnichiwa, Dr. Futterman-san." Hawkeye greeted the man as he took in all of the Japanese decorations in the tent.

"The sun smiles, the river laughs." The man said, placing his hands together and offering the surgeons a small bow.

"Can't help lovin' that man of mine." Hawkeye said as he and Trapper copied the man's bow.

"Klinger," Trapper began, taking in the Corporal's outfit of the day. "How can you wear just a skirt on a cold day like this?"

"You think it's easy being a nut?" Klinger asked around the dental tools in his mouth.

"Bernie," Hawkeye began, not that the man in question was paying attention.

"Open wide." The dentist ordered Klinger, who reluctantly obeyed the command.

"I have to ask you a favour before you go down to the pits." Hawkeye said, tapping the dentist's hand gently to get his attention.

"Yeah?" The dentist said distractedly.

"You know the supply Sergeant, Zale?" Hawkeye asked.

"Zale, yeah." Dr. Futterman said, looking up from his work in Klinger's mouth. "What about him?"

"I want you to give him his bridge." Hawkeye said, shivering from the cold.

"In two words, umm-possible." The dentist said. "That's cosmetic work. I got people here with sick teeth."

"Bernie, look at this." Hawkeye said, pulling his foot up into the air.

"I don't do shoes. You'll have to I get them filled somewhere else." Dr. Futterman said, looking at the large hole.

"Bernie, I'm at your mercy. I'm wearing my foot on my sleeve." Hawkeye said, leaning down next to Klinger so that Futterman could see his face.

"Do Zale's teeth and he gets new boots." Trapper said, saying what Hawkeye was too distracted to say.

"Fair enough, if you help me." Bernie said, looking up from Klinger. "I'm in love."

"Just name her, she's yours. We'll bring her here in chains." Hawkeye promised.

"We'd even give her a drug that makes you look tall and blond." Trapper said, looking at the short, round, baby faced dentist with brown hair and large glasses.

"Gentlemen, it's not a woman." Bernie clarified, much to the others' confusion. "It's Japan." He said as his voice became wistful. Hawkeye and Trapper shared a look of disbelief before looking back to Futterman. "I love that land from the top of Fujiyama to the bottom of its sea, where even right now, chubby half-naked diving girls are irritating oysters to produce pearls."

"Makes you want to enlist in the oysters." Hawkeye joked, shoving his hands deeper into his coat pockets.

"I know I'm Japanese." Futterman said desperately. "I was born Japanese. I have a feeling that I was kidnapped by a dentist whose wife was barren and spirited away to East Orange. My life there has only been the prologue to my final destiny: underwater dentist in an all-night bathhouse." The man said, pleading with the doctors.

"Uh, look. We're good, but we can't get you a transfer to Japan." Trapper said apologetically, feeling bad for the guy.

"I only want three days. I wanna visit a Shinto shrine. I wanna see the Kabuki. I wanna spend an evening with a girl that I can think about in years to come when my wife is talking to me." Futterman clarified, looking at the doctors hopefully.

"Okay. We'll go see Henry." Hawkeye said, quickly making his way towards the door.

"Henry? In the great mouth of life, Henry Blake is but a temporary filling." Futterman said as Hawkeye and Trapper scurried out the door.

* * *

"Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest." Radar said as he walked into Colonel Blake's office. The man was busy trying to wash his golf balls after a particularly muddy game of golf in the back field. The Corporal placed the large stack of papers onto his CO's lap and began pointing things out.

"Initial, Radar?" Henry asked for clarification.

"Oh, yes sir." Radar said. "Your initials signify that instead of signing, you initialed." He said before flipping to another form. "Then you have to sign this form, which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing." Radar flipped to another page. "Then after you've signed, you put your initial where you signed so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial."

"Radar, tell me the truth. Do you understand any of this?" Henry asked as he did what Radar told him to.

"Uh, I try not to sir. It slows up the work." The Corporal said, warming his hands by Henry's stove.

"Anything else?"

"Oh! There's these more here too, sir." Radar said, forgetting to check the grammar structure of his sentence before it came out of his mouth.

"Oh pooh! I got a bucket of golf balls to wash." Henry complained. He looked down at the forms he was signing, which was something that he didn't usually do.

"Hey, three nurses want to transfer out?" He asked Radar, holding out the sheet.

"Oh, yes sir. They're really in tough shape. It's sad to see 'em crying in the shower."

"Radar you were supposed to fix the hole in that tent." Henry said accusingly.

"Uh, I did sir, but it took a week longer than I expected." Radar said, ringing his hands together nervously.

"Major Houlihan, huh?" Henry asked, knowing the reason for the requested transfer.

"Yes sir. She's really giving them a bad time." Radar said sadly.

"The queen of the bedpans strikes again!" Henry said bitterly before finishing the coffee in his bright orange mug.

"There's something more you should know too, sir."

"What?" Henry snapped.

"Major Houlihan's preparing a very bad report about you for General Mitchell." Radar warned.

"How do you know that?" Henry asked, hoping that it wasn't true.

"Well, when I was cleaning out her wastebasket I accidentally came upon this piece of paper, which she had been typing with the wrong side of the carbon facing. So I pressed it with a steam iron to transfer what she wrote onto this piece of paper." Radar said as he pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. "And then I could see what she wrote without holding her mistake up to a mirror."

"That was a terrific accident, Radar." Henry said sarcastically, reading the letter.

"Thank you, sir." Radar said, placing his hands near the stove again.

"Incompetent, inefficient, unmilitary." Henry read from the paper. "She spelled 'bungler' wrong."

"No sir, that's 'bumbler'." Radar said, pointing to the word.

"Oh, then she got it right." Henry said with a sigh, crumbling up the paper. "By, that gripes my cookies! What has she got against me? I've never done a thing to that woman." Henry said, looking over to the clerk.

"Maybe that's it, sir." Radar said with a nervous chuckle.

"Oh no," Henry drawled. "Not without combat pay." Radar could sense Henry's mood getting worse, so he decided to grab the papers and leave, but Hawkeye and Trapper chose that exact moment to join them in the Colonel's office.

"Are you in, Henry?" Hawkeye asked as he waltzed in.

"I'm in enough to ask you to get out." Henry snapped.

"He's in a bad mood today," Radar warned them quietly.

"That's right. I'm in a bad mood today." Henry said, having heard Radar's warning.

"Wow, what ears!" Radar said before scurrying off.

"What's up Henry?" Trapper asked as casually as he could.

"Houlihan's got the nurses so crazy, half of 'em can't sleep at night." Henry said, ringing his hands.

"Yeah? Which ones?" Trapper asked, looking for his next date. Hawkeye ignored the comment in favour of paying attention to what Henry was saying.

"She's also preparing a report to General Mitchell, where I could wind up shaving patients before surgery."

"I guess this is a wrong time to ask you for a favour, huh Henry." Hawkeye said, reading over the letter.

"You know it's too bad Leah's not here. She could probably work her magic with General Mitchell's son and have him pass on the word that Margaret's full of hot air." Trapper said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, but she's not here, so unless you want your favour turned down, it's a bad time." Henry said, pouring some booze into his orange mug.

"Look, the favour's not for us, it's for Futterman, the dentist." Trapper continued.

"The closet Oriental. If you give him three days in Tokyo, I can get a new pair of boots." Hawkeye said.

"I'd be lying if I said I understood that." Henry told the Captain. "I'd also be lying if I said I cared." He continued before taking a sip of the liquid in his mug.

"What if we can get Hot Lips off your back?" Trapper asked, playing with the letter that Margaret had written.

"Then I'd give Futterman a week. He could run for emperor."

"It never fails. One hand washes the other." Hawkeye said happily. Henry took the crumpled letter back from Trapper and waved it in Hawkeye's direction.

"You fix this sweetheart, and I'll give you a bath." Henry said.

"That part of our relationship is over, Henry." Hawkeye joked.

"Yeah, he's got Leah to help him with that now." Trapper joked with a smirk. Hawkeye punched him in the shoulder as the two men walked off.

* * *

"Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag." Margaret said to the two Captains, who had come to her tent directly from the Office.

"Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back." Hawkeye said sarcastically.

"My report is going to General Mitchell." Margaret said, feeling very sure of herself and her superior rank.

"Come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect but we're a team." Hawkeye said, trying to get the stubborn blonde nurse to listen to reason.

"Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet." Trapper couldn't help but add from his seat at the end of Margaret's cot.

"Margaret, what can we do?" Hawkeye asked, leaning towards the woman.

"What you can do mostly is not." She began, filing her nails. "Not torment Frank Burns."

"Alright, you have our word." Hawkeye promised, hoping that would be all she requested. "He will never find meat loaf in his pyjamas again!" Hawkeye swore.

"We'll never add another number to his dog tags." Trapper added cheekily.

"He will never again wake up with nail polish and mascara." Hawkeye said. "Although come to think of it, that was Leah, not the two of us."

"Not good enough, gentlemen, not good enough." Margaret said, pointing between the two Captains with her nail file. "Today is Frank's birthday." Margaret said, getting up and beginning to pace as she plotted.

"Yeah, yeah?" Hawkeye prompted the nurse.

"I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least 20 people and presents might just stop my report." Margaret said with a smile.

"It's a deal." Trapper agreed quickly.

"It is not!" Hawkeye said, looking at his fellow surgeon as though the man had gone mad. "I have just run out of hypocrisy. My dignity tank is getting dangerously low." He said to Trapper before turning back to Margaret, whose smile had quickly turned into a frown.

"You expect me to drag 20 screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls. I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots. Hah! A party for Frank Burns?" Hawkeye spun around and stormed out of the tent, immediately stepping into puddle of muddy water.

He sighed in defeat before turning to Trapper, who had followed him out of the tent.

"I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by a baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem."

* * *

The two men made their way back to Radar's office, where they found the young man holding people's letters up to the light, trying to read what people had written.

"Radar, what're you doing?" Trapper asked tiredly.

"Sorting the mail." Radar said, quickly going back to what he was supposed to be doing.

"Otherwise known as a sneak preview. Anything for us?" Hawkeye asked, sitting on the edge of the desk.

"Yeah Hawk. Leah's dad sent you a letter." Radar said, putting more letters in the cubbies.

"Why would Leah's dad send me, of all people, a letter?" Hawkeye asked. Radar just shrugged. Leah had told him that she wouldn't give Lilianne his contact information if he snooped through any mail coming from her family and friends.

"I don't know sir. What do you guys want, sirs?" Radar asked.

"A birthday cake for Frank Burns." Hawkeye said seriously.

"You gonna start bein' nice to him now?" Radar asked with interest before throwing a letter into a cubby.

"We thought we'd try it. If he likes it, we can always stop." Hawkeye said light-heartedly.

"Well, what do you need me for?" Radar asked, looking at the Captain in confusion.

"Leah and I had a little falling out with the cook. We sent a sample of his stew to the lab and it came back marked 'benign – no traces of food.'"

"Look Radar, you do this for us and I promise I'll find a cure for shortness." Trapper said, offending the little Corporal.

"Now that's not funny!" He defended himself. Hawkeye was quick to jump to Trapper's aid.

"Hey, you know he's only joking." He said softly.

"Yeah, in our hearts you're six-foot-three." Trapper said, climbing out of the hole he dug himself into.

"Yeah, I know." Radar said softly, looking down at his shoes. "I'm just kinda edgy lately. Guess it's my, uh, loneliness." Radar said, sorting the mail into piles on the desk. Trapper and Hawkeye shared knowing looks.

"Which one is she?" Hawkeye asked, leaning forward.

"That new first lieutenant. The big blonde lady." Radar said quietly, as though the woman would walk in and hear him talking about her.

"Murphy? The wonder nurse?" Trapper asked.

"She's two people taller than you." Hawkeye pointed out.

"Be smart Radar. Start in the boys' department. Work your way up to the men's floor." Trapper said, earning a glare from the Clerk.

"Give us a little time. We'll find you something in a 32 regular." Hawkeye suggested.

"I don't have time," Radar said, turning away from the mail and towards the two older men.

"The Medical Journal says a man's best years are between 19 and 25. Right now I'm at my peak, physically." He explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Hawkeye said sadly.

"Hey, Radar, forget about Murphy." Trapper said. "What about uh, uh, Nurse Anderson?"

"She's built like a brick hospital." Hawkeye said, as though Radar would change his mind.

"Murphy." Radar said.

"What about Nurse Jacobs?" Hawkeye suggested. "She's offered her body to science time and time again."

"Murphy," All three men said together, knowing where this was going. Around in circles like a dog chasing its' tail.

* * *

"Please, fella's, I'm tired and I'm in no mood for kidding." Nurse Murphy said as she took her surgical garb off after a wave of wounded went through surgery.

"Murphy, we just need a little favour." Hawkeye said to the blonde with the high-pitched, slightly irritating voice.

"Why didn't you say so? The answer's no." The woman said, taking off her gloves and throwing them in the waste bin.

"Look, we need to borrow your body for an evening." Hawkeye said, as. If that would help to convince her.

"Your heart doesn't have to be in it." Trapper said.

"Is that unreasonable?" Hawkeye asked the woman as she took off her surgical cap.

"I wish somebody would make me that offer." Trapper said.

"We have this friend who's really anxious to go out with you." Hawkeye told her as she undid the ties at the back of her surgical gown.

"He's sort of a shy, Gary Cooper-ish type." Trapper added.

"Well, he's a little more 'ish' than 'Cooper'." Hawkeye corrected. "But he's extremely bright in the head, where that kind of thing counts."

"Warm and witty." Trapper said to the bleach-blonde woman. For someone that was barely bigger than Radar, she sure had a lot of attitude.

"Excitingly average." Hawkeye piled on, trying to convince the woman to give Radar a chance.

"Okay," Murphy agreed, walking towards the door as she finally got her surgical gown off.

"Okay?" Trapper asked, not sure he heard her correctly. "What kind of a turndown is that?"

"He can meet me in my tent after ward duty." Murphy said as she pulled her jacket on over top of her tan shirt.

"Don't you want to know how you'll recognize him?" Trapper asked.

"Oh, I'll know. He'll be the one with the dryer." She said, closing her coat.

"The what?" Hawkeye asked, hoping he heard wrong.

"Part of this deal has to be that I have a hair dryer. I'm tired of walking through this war with wet hair." She said, her facial expression matching her snotty attitude.

"And that's all there is to it?" Trapper asked.

"Listen," She said condescendingly. "For a hair dryer, I'd even go out with Radar O'Reilly." She said before stomping out of the room.

"We can't send a kid like Radar up with a girl like that." Hawkeye said to Trapper.

"Maybe if I took a real hot bath I could fit into his clothes." Trapper said, remembering the way Nurse Murphy's nipples had strained against her shirt due to the chill in the air.

* * *

"75 bucks, that's as high as I go." Hawkeye said, trying to get Klinger to sell his huge, steel hair dryer.

"Nope," The man said, practically hugging the contraption.

"Alright, a hundred bucks and I'll throw in a nose job." Hawkeye said, placing his hand on his ticket to new boots.

"Are you implying that my nose is too big?" Klinger asked, feeling insulted.

"Not at all, I'll even add to it if you want. I'll give you a nose that'll need a tie clip. I need this dryer." Hawkeye said desperately.

"There's only one thing I want, and everybody knows it." Klinger said, pointing at the two Captains.

"Klinger, it's not in our power to give you a discharge." Trapper tried to reason with the man.

"Ah! I looked it up. If I can get five officers to sign that I'm a nutcase, I can get out." Klinger said, his eyes getting larger.

"I'd sign a paper saying you're an English sheepdog." Trapper promised, glancing over at Hawkeye.

"Providing you stay on the paper." Hawkeye couldn't help but add.

"I knew you guys would do it!" Klinger said gleefully, scurrying over to his overflowing wardrobe. "When it comes to crazy, you're tops." Klinger said, scrounging through various shades of pink fabric before pulling out the forms he needed with a grin.

"Leah's already signed it, I told her she could have first pick at my collection here." Klinger said before his face fell, along with the arm holding the papers out to the Captains.

"But what's the use? Major's Burns or Houlihan, they wouldn't sign." Klinger said, looking between the two doctors.

"Now wait a minute, wait a minute." Hawkeye said quickly. "Maybe we can soften them up." He said desperately as he and Trapper picked the hair dryer up and made their way towards Klinger's door. "We're giving him a party."

"For his birthday." Trapper elaborated.

"The same guys that glued his head to a pillow last week?" Klinger asked, his hopes rising slightly.

"No, that was Leah and I." Hawkeye said.

"Hawkeye and I coated his entire head with bubble gum." Trapper corrected.

"Trust us," Hawkeye said as he grabbed the papers from the Lebanese Corporal. "We'll get him mellow. He'll sign your nuts-o-gram." Hawkeye said with an air of finality.

"You get ready for the party." Trapper said as he made his way out the door. "And tell me what you're wearing so we don't clash." He added as an afterthought.

* * *

While Hawkeye and Trapper got set up for a party that nobody wanted to go to for a person that nobody liked, Margaret was in her tent with Frank, keeping him occupied. She made him sit down and close his eyes while she grabbed his birthday present and placed it in his lap.

"What is it?" Frank asked stupidly, holding the long, thin package up and looking towards Margaret.

"Open it up!" Margaret encouraged as she bounced around the tent, giggling slightly.

"Oh!" Frank exclaimed breathily as he pulled a riding crop out of the packaging.

"It was my father's." Margaret explained as Frank examined his leather-wrapped gift. "He was cavalry."

"A riding crop!" Frank exclaimed in excited disbelief.

"My mother gave it to him on their wedding night." Margaret said, looking at her lover happily.

"Margaret, you're a dreamboat!" Frank said, bouncing out of his chair to hug the blonde nurse and swatting her bottom with the riding crop.

"Frank!" She said, faking annoyance.

"Giddy up," Frank teased before hugging her tighter.

"You're silly." Margaret said, hugging him back just as vigorously.

"Oh Margaret," Frank began as they broke apart. "I'm so grateful you remembered my birthday. I'm not the sort of person whose birthday people seem to remember." Frank said, pacing around the room, swatting things randomly with his new riding crop. "I'm just sort of there, year after year."

"Oh, Frank." Margaret said with pity.

"When I was little, my mother used to send out 30 birthday invitations," Frank began as he sat down, pulling Margaret down onto his lap. "Just to get four kids to show up."

"I know, you told me." Margaret said, holding his head as he swayed them back and forth.

"Why don't people like me Margaret?" Frank asked, his face dropping.

"Well," Margaret said, looking for something to say that wouldn't hurt his delicate feelings. "Have some wine, Frank." She said in an attempt to distract him. She passed him a full glass of wine that she had poured earlier as he began to speak.

"They don't, you know. I've gotten thank-you notes from people I said I'd never see again." He said before taking a large sip of his wine.

"You know what we're going to do?" Margaret said, getting off of Frank's lap abruptly. "We're going over to the mess tent for a birthday dinner. Just the two of us." She said as she made her way over to the door. She grabbed the flap that hung in front of the window and jerked it up and down twice, signalling the party planners. "Just you and me."

"Just the two of us." Frank said breathily with a small smile. "Isn't that sad?" He asked himself before taking another large sip of wine. Margaret pulled him up out of his chair though, and the two made their way out of the tent towards the mess tent.

"Major's at two o'clock!" A private warned inside the dark mess tent.

"Okay, everybody get down!" Hawkeye ordered among the whispers. "Be quiet! Hide!" He quickly crouched down behind a table with one of the nurses, resting his hand on her thigh.

"Hawkeye, is that your hand?" The nurse asked, looking over to him with annoyance.

"Is what my hand?" He asked innocently. The whispers started up again, so Hawkeye warned the party-goers one last time before Margaret entered the mess tent, pulling Frank behind her.

"Hey, what's-" Frank began to question before the lights were switched on and everyone jumped up.

"Surprise!" Everyone said in unison as they all took note of Ferret Face's lips disappearing in shock.

"Oh, this isn't all for me," Frank said, not quite believing what he was seeing, but gleeful that it was happening.

"Sure it is, you silly goose." Hawkeye said, playing nice. He needed to get Margaret to drop the report so Henry would sign the papers so that the dentist could go to Tokyo and the supply Sergeant could get his tooth fixed and Hawkeye could get his boots.

"Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank." Henry said as he stumbled over to the birthday boy. He had been drinking ever since he found out about Margaret's report, and was quite drunk. The fact that he could drink at the party as well wasn't helping.

"Well put Henry." Trapper said, hoping that their CO would shut up and go pass out in a corner.

"Frank." Henry continued. "It's very hard to tell people how much you like them. Very hard." Frank nodded in agreement while Margaret, Hawkeye and Trapper watched nervously. "Some people even harder than others. Frank, this is a very tough case."

"Thank you. Colonel Blake's stretcher, please." Hawkeye interrupted before Henry could say anything that couldn't be taken in a good way.

"Hey, come on Henry. There's a bottle that's dying to meet you." Trapper said, rushing over and collecting the drunken man.

"Awe, you two palookas." Henry said as Trapper guided him away from the other officers.

"Thanks Pierce." Margaret said, looking up at the tall surgeon.

"A deal's a deal." Hawkeye responded, still looking over at the birthday bumbler. "Speech, Frank! Speech!"

All the party guests cheered as Frank blushed and made his way over to a table, standing up on it so that everyone could see him.

"Oh, I'm not much at, uh, speechifying. Uh, this party's really thrown me for a loop. I'd, uh, just like to say that I think you're all a bunch of swell eggs. Uh, of course, a few of the eggs are a little cracked." Frank said with a high-pitched laugh. Margaret laughed as well, although it was mostly in disbelief.

"Biggest horse's patoot in the army." Henry slurred in Trapper's direction.

"Uh, Frank. We have some presents for you." Hawkeye called out, stopping the speech before Frank offended anyone other than the cracked eggs. "Radar, give Frank a drink."

"Not too much Frank, it makes you sluggish." Margaret warned as Frank took a sip from the glass that Radar handed him.

"Now this first present is from all the gang in X-Ray." Hawkeye said, holding up the first present. "It's practical as well as ornamental. A pair of lead lined jockey shorts." Hawkeye revealed, handing Frank the package to be unwrapped.

"Hey," Sergeant Zale from supply said as he finally found Doctor Futterman in the crowd. "Tomorrow morning, Doc, in regard to my teeth?"

"The dawn awakens the soul. The soul summons the spirit." Futterman said, putting his hands together and giving a small bow.

"Well what time?" Zale asked impatiently.

"As soon as I get back from the latrine. Be in my chair, ten o'clock. Mouth open, don't be late." Futterman demanded.

"You got it." Zale said excitedly.

"This next one's a rare gift Frank, from old Heidelberg." Hawkeye said, carrying on with the presents. "A medical student's specimen stein." He said as he passed the oddly wrapped package to Frank. The man with no lips or chin pulled the paper off his present, and Radar immediately filled it with almost half a bottle of booze.

"Margaret, this is the best party I've ever had." Frank said before taking a large gulp of his drink.

"Major Houlihan seems in good spirits." A nurse commented from her spot next to her drunken CO.

"She's gonna be one peroxide pussycat from now on." Henry said to the nurse. She was one of the three that had requested transfers. "And you can thank yours anonymously for that."

"Really?" The nurse said, not quite believing the drunken man. After all, Henry wasn't the most reliable source of information even when he was sober.

"How'd you like to come to my tent and thank me in person?" Henry asked.

"You're married, aren't you?" The nurse asked, leaning towards the man slightly.

"Well that's alright, so's my wife." Henry said as the nurse got up and walked away, brushing past Klinger and Radar.

"Hey Klinger, what time you got?" Radar asked the taller man as he fiddled with his collar. Klinger checked the tiny watch clipped to his dress before replying.

"Five to eight."

"Geez, I gotta get outta here, I got a date."

"Yeah? With who?" Klinger asked before taking a sip of his drink.

"Nurse Murphy." Radar said, gesturing with his hands as if he were thanking God her the woman's existence.

"You gonna work without a net?" Klinger teased. Radar shot the man a glare before Hawkeye got everyone's attention.

"Now, may we have the, uh-" Hawkeye began as he whistled and summoned the cake. It was just a simple rectangular sheet cake with white and orange icing and the words 'Happy Birthday Frank' on it along with a few lit birthday candles.

"They love you Frank." Margaret said as they looked down at the cake.

"It was their hatred that fooled me." Frank admitted.

"Make a wish, Frank." Hawkeye said, wanting to get the party over with. Frank thought for a moment before blowing all the candles out, little flecks of spit flying out onto the cake. Everyone cheered, although it was mostly because after cake they could all go back to whatever they were doing before.

"Pierce, McIntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies." Frank said, his blue eyes shining.

"You wanna share the happiness, Frank?" Hawkeye asked, remembering Klinger's release papers.

"With the whole world!" Frank said happily.

"Sign this." Trapper said, handing Frank the papers that had been folded so that the man could sign without seeing what they were.

"Sure, what is it?" Frank asked as he unfolded the papers. He took one look at the paper's heading and grew angry, throwing down the papers and the pen. "Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?"

"Oh, right Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts in the army." Hawkeye suggested sarcastically.

"Klinger's not a pervert!" Trapper argued, coming to his friend's defence.

"How do you know?" Margaret demanded angrily.

"Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings." Trapper said.

"That's despicable!" Margaret said as she ripped the papers in half.

"She's ripping up my crazy papers!" Klinger interjected, reaching out for the ripped forms.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Hawkeye demanded as Klinger went running out of the mess hall. Hawkeye ran after the Corporal, right to Nurse Murphy's tent, where she was getting ready for her date with Radar by drying her hair and reading a magazine. Klinger wasted no time in unplugging the large metal contraption and taking off out the door.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Murphy demanded angrily, here shrill voice sounding even more irritating when the woman was irritated herself. Klinger didn't answer and was half way out the door when Radar worked his way into the tent, presenting the angry nurse with a bouquet of wildflowers.

"And what are you doing here?" Murphy demanded, looking down on the short clerk.

"Didn't they tell you? I'm your date." Radar said nervously.

"Only if you plug yourself in and blow on my hair." The bitchy woman said, turning her nose up.

"Frank, this is your party and you're going to enjoy it whether you like it or not." Margaret said to her lover as she caught sight of his pinched face. "Now come on, everybody's watching. Cut the cake. She demanded.

"I can't," Frank whined.

"Act like a man you twit!" Margaret whispered harshly. She handed him the knife and just as he was about to slice into the layer of icing, Radar came rushing over, wheeling the cart and the cake away.

"A deal's a deal!" He said as he took off.

"Wait, before we operate on that cake, I would like to get a second opinion." Henry said, drunkenly believing that the cake was being sent off to OR.

"This will all be going into my report to the general, Colonel Drunky John." Margaret said, overhearing the man's drunken ramblings to Hawkeye.

"Henry, go fall down on somebody. Margaret-" Hawkeye began, jumping in to do some damage control.

"It'll all be reported!" Margaret yelled as she turned around and dragged Frank out of the mess tent and away from the disaster of a birthday party.

"Oh, boy." Henry said to himself before the Japanese culture enthusiast they had for a dentist showed up.

"If I don't see you before I leave, thank you for the three-day pass, Colonel-San." He said, holding up all of the paperwork.

"In case you haven't heard, Captain, there's a war going on-san." Henry said, ripping the paperwork away from the bespectacled man and tearing it up before walking off.

"Henry wait a second! I gotta talk to you." Hawkeye said, running off after the man as Doctor Futterman picked up the pieces of his three-day pass.

"See y'all bright and early, Doc." Sergeant Zale said, picking the worst possible moment to bother the man about his dental work.

"Forget it! Sleep late and learn how to gum your food. I'm not going into your mouth unless it catches fire!" Futterman said before storming off in a huff towards his tent. Hawkeye was lucky enough to intercept the man at the door.

"I appeal to you as a fellow Doctor. Bernie, please!" The dentist ignored the surgeon as he took off.

"We're sorry about Pearl Harbour, it'll never happen again!" Trapper yelled after the man, but the dentist was already out of earshot. The two men turned around just in time to see Sergeant Zale on his way out the door as well.

"Don't go, Sergeant." Hawkeye pleaded.

"Out of my way, sir. And that's an order!" Zale demanded.

"He's got to have those boots." Trapper tried to reason.

"We made a deal. He didn't come through." Zale said as he pushed his way through.

"Do you know what I did!" Hawkeye yelled, forcing the man to stop and pay attention. At that point in time, Leah snuck into the mess tent with a letter and a package. She stayed silent though, letting Hawkeye rant and let out his pent up frustration. "How I degraded myself, how I grovelled, how I humbled, how I cheapened myself all for a pair of miserable, lousy army boots? I swear to you, as dedicated as I am to the sanctity and preservation of human life if I had a gun at this moment I would send my head across this tent!"

"A gun takes six weeks, there's a terrific waiting list." Zale said before forcing himself past the two surgeons and knocking Leah into Hawkeye, although she was able to catch her balance while Hawkeye stormed away.

Hawkeye ran off after the man but didn't make it car before collapsing onto a bench near the home-direction sign.

"Hawk, I think I have something that'll cheer you up. I stopped by the Office and grabbed these for you. They're from my dad. Come on into the Swamp and you can open them." A feminine voice declared, grabbing the dark-haired surgeon's attention. Leah stood in front of him, looking rumpled from the jeep ride back to the 4077th, carrying a box and a letter, both of which were addressed to a Dr. B.F Pierce. Hawkeye didn't think he had ever been so happy to see someone in his life.

* * *

Not even five minutes later, Hawkeye was back in the Swamp with Trapper and the stuff from Leah's dad while the Doctor that Hawkeye was ready to rename 'Wonder Woman' was off in the shower.

"What could Leah's father possibly want to talk to me about?" Hawkeye asked.

"Maybe he just wants to get to know his future son-in-law," Trapper said, once again zipped into his sleeping bag.

"Very funny, Trap." Hawkeye snapped, not in the mood to think about his crush on his roommate.

"Look Hawk, you're never gonna know what he wants and what he sent unless you open the package he sent you and read the letter." Trapper pointed out, turning towards his friend and unzipping the sleeping bag enough that he could see what was in the box.

Hawkeye pulled the string carefully, ready to jump back as if something in the box was going to attack him. Hawkeye reached into the box without looking and felt something cool and smooth. He felt around and found something warm and fuzzy. He grabbed the item and flung it out of the box and onto his head, ready to beat the fuzzy thing with a stick. He felt like an absolute fool when he saw a dark brown leather boot with a fur lining inside. He checked the bottom of the boot and his jaw dropped. The boot, and its partner in the box, were 10 ½ -C boots.

"A new pair of boots?" Hawkeye asked in disbelief. Leah's father had sent him a pair of warm, good quality leather boots in his exact size? He ripped open the letter as Trapper reached out for the boot in the box.

 _Dear Dr. Pierce,_

 _I've heard a lot about you and the rest of the 4077th MASH unit from my daughter's letters to me. I've heard even more about you and the other people my daughter works with from my wife and daughter, who have been getting significantly more detailed letters than I have. Imagine my surprise when my wife is telling me about her day over supper and all she can think to talk about is Leah's last letter to her. That in itself didn't surprise me, but the contents of the letter certainly did. Leah had written a letter home just to tell my wife about the problem you have been having with getting a new pair of boots from the army._

 _After hearing about my wife ranting about the 'absolutely despicable supply and requisition system' in the army, I had heard more than enough about the subject to make the decision I did. It is obvious that my daughter cares about you enough to worry about your wellbeing more than she generally does for others (which is saying something, seeing as how she's a Doctor), so I know that you are a good man, worthy of her attention and affection. The boots I've sent along with this letter are not a gift given out of the goodness of my heart. It is a gift to remind you that as long as you and this 'Trapper' fellow take care of my little girl, my family and I will take care of you._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Paul Watson_

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **So, I realized that I had pretty much abandoned all of my stories, so to make up for it I did some editing for this chapter and wrote the next one.**

 **Love always,**

 **Smurfette81013**

Updated 03/21/2018


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